Polygamy about 'lust, pleasure'
2005-08-26 09:53
Cairo - Hayam Dorbek wants her husband to get married. Again.
In urging him - and the rest of Egypt - to be more open to polygamy as approved by Islam, the 42-year-old journalist has set off a lively debate in her country and the rest of the Arab world tuning in on satellite TV.
Dorbek says she felt her work was keeping her so busy that her husband needed a second wife. She says he refused, "but my son is helping me promote the idea", she said.
She feels the Islamic concept of polygamy is the answer to many of Egypt's social ills. She has written articles with titles like "One wife is not enough", and has helped form an association called "Al-Tayseer", or facilitation, that promotes polygamy.
Not everyone happy over polygamy
Some are furious, saying it makes Egypt look like conservative Saudi Arabia and is bad for women - tantamount to "displaying them in a slaves market", according to Nihad Aboul-Qomsan, head of the Egyptian Centre for Women's Rights.
The debate exemplifies the tug-of-war between conservatives and liberals in a country that is brimming with Western symbols and ideas while also becoming more Islamic.
Many revivalists of conservative Islam have taken up a modern rhetoric, presenting themselves as an alternative to a decadent West. Dorbek recasts the license that Islam gives men to marry up to four women and gives it a modern flavour, relevant to today's world.
Polygamy a 'problem solver'
"I'm calling for women's rights: their right to get married even if to a married man," said Dorbek. Polygamy is a "license from God to stabilise society and solve its problems".
To familiar problems of family life such as adultery and divorce, Dorbek adds "spinsterism" - women remaining single into their 30s, and being possibly stigmatised as easy prey for men or temptresses preying on men for sex.
Her solution: hitch single, widowed or divorced women to married men who can financially support and equally provide for more than one family. This will stop the men from having affairs and provide the women with a caretaker, she argues.
Egyptian law permits polygamy, but it's less common than in the Persian Gulf states and Saudi Arabia. For one thing, it's expensive. For another, some TV programmes and movies tend to stress its downside - husbands unable to cope with multiple wives, wives in emotional pain.
"The secular currents in society muzzle the Islamic voices and drown them out," Dorbek said. "I call on Arab and Muslim women to accept God's laws."
Strict conditions
But Dorbek acknowledged that opposition does not just come from secularists or rights activists, but also from some religious people who believe there are strict conditions for polygamy.
She says she had a religious upbringing and decided to go public about polygamy after a friend told her she was considering divorcing her husband for secretly taking a second wife. Dorbek recalls telling her: "Why would you destroy your home and solve one problem by creating another?"
Sociologist Alya Ahmed said calls for polygamy reflect an attempt to reconcile religion and sexual gratification in a male-dominated society that views women as sex objects.
"Culture and traditions don't allow them (men) to fool around, so polygamy provides a loophole and allows them to claim they're appeasing God," she said. "But it's really about lust and pleasure."
And what about the children? The pro-polygamy camp says it's good for them because it prevents divorce and keeps the family together. Opponents say children suffer when the women in a polygamous family quarrel.
Dorbek's son is 20. She also has an 18-year-old daughter.
Competing with other wives
She says hundreds of men have responded to her campaign by seeking her help in finding a second wife, and dozens of women have also contacted her saying they are willing to wed a married man.
Some women accept polygamous marriages out of loneliness, religious piety or fear of divorce. Others find it too humiliating and opt to divorce their husbands.
Nagwa, who asked to withhold her surname to protect her privacy, says she wedded an already happily married man rather than stay single at 40. She said he proposed to her with his first wife's consent because he felt a religious obligation to protect a Muslim woman.
"At first I was worried," said Nagwa, who lives in the Sinai town of el-Arish. "But when you're with a person who fears God, he'll take care of you."
Nagwa said he tries to treat both women the same, but she knows he loves his first wife more.
"It hurts a little," she said, "but he tries not to show his preference."
Arafat Sayed, a businessman from the southern city of Luxor, has three wives and is considering marrying a fourth. "You could be married to just one but have an affair. Which is better?" he said.
- AP