‘Baby, I’m going to the bathroom. Please don’t shoot.’

2013-03-18 15:34

It’s about 3am Monday. I’m fast asleep. It’s been a tough weekend. The Ghenginator’s been in town. These days he’s stopped chasing ambulances. Now he’s an ideas man. The bastard wanders around the country allegedly having ideas. And abusing believers.

Saturday evening’s a blur. Unity Bar’s banging. Even if the rugby’s on and I miss a Gunners win. The beer makes up for the rugby. So does the Jameson and the Jagermeister. I get familiar with this draught called Red Bell. Or Red Cow. Or something.

By the time we hit the sack St Patrick’s Day’s already a third gone. I celebrate the rest of it on my back. It’s almost dark by the time I hit the beach front and finish my observation of the holy day.

So I’m dead to the world. I feel this hand on my shoulder. This voice says: “Baby, I’m going to the bathroom. Please don’t shoot.’’ Then there’s this giggle. The bathroom door slams shut.

Thanks Ozimandias. I needed that. What a hero. The guy was gonna have streets named after him. Now he’s poster boy for Knobs R Us. A case study in how to screw things up.

Guns aren’t cool. Not in South Africa. Or anywhere else. There’s too many nutters around. And cops. Guns change a person. They bring out an aggressive side. It comes from walking around tooled up.

It’s that knowing that you have the ability to reach out and end somebody’s existence. I owned a 9mm for a year or two. I found myself not avoiding confrontations I could easily have avoided.

The temptation was always there to pistol whip somebody. Put two into somebody’s chest to see what would happen. Not cool thoughts to be having.

I didn’t plug anybody though. I’m a peace-loving cat. The gun got sold. It’s better that way.

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