Business is kinky at Sexpo

2010-10-03 09:42

Mokgadi Seabi says:


So you’d love to once again experience your days of youthful exuberance? Well, one of the exhibitors at Sexpo this week might have just the trick – the Virgin Stick.

Just one dip, its box says, will tighten a woman enough to make her feel virginal to her partner.

This miracle stick costs only R150 – a suspiciously small price to pay for something people have surgery to achieve.

However, ask the sales attendant about scientific proof and all they will tell you is that they tested it themselves. So you will have to be content with the reply that if it worked for her, then it will work for you too.

From intimacy enhancers, massage oils and porno DVDs to bizarre and often impractical sex toys and novelties, you could go crazy on a budget of a mere R1 000.

Who knew that there were so many options available?

So after a few hours of milling about at the convention, here is what I ended up with.

A pair of animal print handcuffs (R45);

Geisha elastic balls – a favourite toy for many girls for flexing those necessary muscles (R30).

For those who like novelties: glow-in-the-dark underwear (R45); a packet of fun flavoured glow-in-the-dark condoms – with some lubrication included (R15).

If your man has an insatiable sweet tooth, there is flavoured “edible underwear” (R40).

A man can even turn himself into “Pricasso” (the popular Sexpo attraction who paints pictures with his penis) and practise with the aid of a tin of chocolate body paint (R35).

For those who love chocolate, there are countless edible baked goodies in the form of penises or breasts.

For those who haven’t a shy bone in their bodies, there is a wide choice of kitchen and fashion pieces that might bring on a blush. Salt and pepper shakers, earrings and keyrings taking the form of sex positions, and graphic T-shirts are also available.

These days there are so many variations, like toys that massage a woman’s private parts to bring her the desired result. They are as affordable as R150
and are cleanable. All one has to do is keep spare batteries handy.

Forget designer lingerie, because at the Sexpo there are many types of sexy ensembles to make your partner pant for a gander.

From sassy schoolgirl, nurse and policewoman uniforms for those who are into playing dress-up, to sexy lingerie in every material and colour imaginable.

The cheapest sexy set of good-quality, matching bustier with underwear goes for a mere R150. This beats normal store prices that start from R350.

Of course one cannot leave the expo without some libido-enhancing aides, and whether they work or not, they still sell. These will go for anything from R100 to R250.


 Lucas Ledwaba says:

“You need a back-up plan,” said Lydia the ­salesperson when I questioned the logic of spending money on a love doll like the many on display at her stall during Sexpo.

A man needs the warmth and moisture of another human being, not a plastic doll. There is no way it can replace the intoxicating warmth of a woman.

Some are even fitted with vibrators, ­apparently to make the experience more real. But it can’t get any more real than real.

Lydia was persistent, though. “It’s almost like a real woman,” she kept saying.

In the end, after much consideration ­of ­India Bad Ass Booty (R299) and ­Fujikos Secret Passages (R129), I settled for Lacey Sexy Sista at R209.95.

Lacey Sexy Sista is said to be Afrocentric, boasts three loving passages and has firm ­nipples perched on the tips of her supposedly ­voluptuous breasts.

But her face looks much paler than her brown plastic skin and her pink mouth, one of the so-called love passages, looks as if she would throw up on you.

When filled up with air, Lacey Sexy Sista looks like one of those grotesque ancient ­statues found in abandoned medieval castles.

Just one look at her and you wonder how on earth any self-respecting man can get a kick out of such an ugly duckling.

But Lydia tells me that men even go as far as spending money on the likes of Linn Thomas, a talking love doll who retails at R2 099. “She tells you the stuff you wanna hear,” says Lydia.

Well, the editor had given me a humble budget of just R1 000 to splurge on sex ­goodies at the Sexpo, so Linn Thomas was just way out of my league.

A goodie bag set me back R100. It contains capsules that apparently stay in your system for three days to give you a kick whenever the need for action ­arises, and lubricants.

An avid reader, I will not miss any opportunity to purchase a book, so when I saw a special for two adult magazines at R99, I obliged the gleeful salesman.

But damn, those photographs of women explicitly ­exposing their God-given assets caused a ­violent churning in my stomach.

R149 went on a DVD of SA’s first black adult DVD, Mapona Volume 1.

I fell asleep on the couch while watching it later, and when the slight midnight chill rudely rattled me out of sleep, I wondered what all the fuss is about.

My best buy on the night, however, were two sex log books at R30 each.

Now this log book is what every man should consider. In there you fill in details of every sexual encounter such as with who, where, the type of sex, number of positions, number of orgasms, foreplay time, intercourse time, ­remarks and a rating out of 10.

The good thing about this is that there is even a column where your partner(s) signs to confirm it all.

Pity the log book doesn’t cater for those who, either by choice or circumstance, find sexual pleasure in their own hands.

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