Chester Missing: Air Force Number One better have air-con

2013-06-02 14:00

It seems there’s a racist part of South Africa that thinks we shouldn’t be giving the president a new jet – just taxi money and Oros.

He’s the president. He needs his Air Force One, although we’ll probably call it Air Force Number One.

Joyce Banda, the president of Malawi, flies on commercial airlines. Sellout.

If we put Comrade Number One on an airline called Mango they might think we are a banana republic, with lots of guavas.

The thing is, we have a role in Africa that necessitates presidential travel that a commercial airline can’t cater for, yet it sells more newspapers, comedy shows and DA votes to downgrade him from “father of the nation” to “sugar daddy of the nation”.

We are too keen to view our president as someone in a Leon Schuster movie: minimal thinking and the Zulu better stay on the stoep.

I’m not saying he’s clean. Look at the Gupta situation: Number One has created a bit of stinky – a number two. You’d be forgiven for asking: If the ANC will rule until ­Jesus returns, is Jesus a Gupta?

The problem is that the only ­information we have comes from the media, and if we are to believe Luthuli House it wasn’t Verwoerd who created apartheid, it was the Sunday Times.

This opinion is not without merit – if you want to have a white guy putting words in your mouth you can either be a puppet called Chester Missing, or become a ­journalist.

Look at the BBC. They think there is no future for white people in South Africa, which is ironic because white people have been leaving Britain for the past 500 years.

The truth is South Africa is so into white people we even have a breeding ground for them called Kleinfontein.

Our white people have only 7% unemployment and have 76% of senior management jobs.

White South Africans “have no future” in the same way Kenny Kunene has no sex life. All you can really tell from the BBC’s coverage then, is the BBC is now the media wing of Solidarity SA.

The ANC has a point when they shout Eurocentrism, but how much of a point?

Look at Comrade T-Bo Touch. Presidents can have kids with their buddy’s daughter out of wedlock, but radio DJs can’t talk about ­masturbation? It’s nationalised ­hypocrisy.

The trouble is no matter how big a male slut Number One is or isn’t, we can’t avoid the problem of middle class media fetishising a black man’s sex life.

And the ANC’s statements don’t help. The Mpumalanga education MEC blamed cold weather for teens having sex! The only response to that is that someone needs to adjust the air conditioning at Number One’s palace.

» Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on and eNCA

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