Chester Missing: Captain Morgan comes with Coke and the White House

2013-08-12 10:00

The fastest ways to turn sane, clever people into idiots are tequila and debating Zimbabwean elections.

The Western world decided it was rigged, mainly because their favourites lost.

Of course, after they said the Egyptian coup wasn’t a coup because then they’d have to stop giving them support, who gives a damn what those guys think?

Southern African politics is often less about what’s right, than about not being seen to agree with the wrong people.

It’s like the view that the tax-evading multimillionaire luxury car-driving Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) leadership are like fat kids who suddenly tell us they’re fitness instructors.

Agreeing with this means agreeing with some white guys, the same white guys who often think apartheid, the moon landing and Keanu Reeves’ sex life are things that only happen in movies. The problem is EFF is right about change and poverty. They are like health juice spiked with that tequila.

That’s Morgan Tsvangirai’s problem. Captain Morgan comes with Coke, Anglo, Westminster and the White House.

How do you lose to an 89- year-old who speaks like a character from Alice in Wonderland? The guy shouldn’t be driving a car, never mind a country.

Politically, President Mugabe, the world’s most successful homophobe, is associated with what many Afrikaans want to hear and see. That Top Billing in Zim could be called “Stuff in Comrade Bob’s house” is less important than his radical commitment to change.

Not that we are the ones to talk. Top Billing in SA should really be called “S**t we will never have”.

We should congratulate Zimbabwe for being one of the few countries on earth that voluntarily chooses a leader who is older than cellphones.

However, we should also ask how the MDC lost in Matabeleland, where Mugabe had people killed a few decades back. That’s like the PAC winning in Oranje.

But was it rigged? The only way they could have had more observers is if Morgan released a sex tape, which is just about the only stunt the Zanu-PF media didn’t pull.

The truth is always about who you want to be seen agreeing with. Like the way “coloured” people are told they are black when you want their votes, but become coloured when they try get a job in correctional services in the Western Cape.

Suddenly Solidarity, the world’s whitest union, is their best friend. Where was Solidarity when coloured farm workers wanted better wages from white farmers? ’n Boer, it seems, can’t “maak n plan” against other boere.

My guess is that the only person who knows if the Zimbabwean elections were fixed is Edward Snowden, but we will never know because terms like ‘whistle-blowing’ freak out the homophobes where he’s hiding.

»?@chestermissing is a political analyst on LNN with Loyiso Gola on eNCA

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