Chester Missing: Dirty voters may need a Zuma shower

2013-11-04 10:00

The election political theatre has kicked in. Expect to see MPs killing for an Oscar, ironically. Anti-Zuma voters are now called “dirty voters”, which is probably a shower reference.

The DA opportunistically says it supports BEE, and Pravin Gordhan has suddenly decided communists shouldn’t be driving R1 million cars after all.

Surprise, surprise, Comrade Blade, you don’t need a sunroof and a built-in GPS to read the Communist Manifesto.

Pravin also said they can’t buy alcohol at our expense.

No change there. Buying parliamentarians alcohol was outsourced to the Guptas years ago.

Speaking of the Guptas, Malusi Gigaba, the only minister with a six-pack, cut up his credit card.

I would say it’s a cheap election stunt, but he has already bought my loyalty with Christmas presents.

The DA’s most approachable leader, Mmusi Maimane, is running around Joburg’s townships trying to prove he’s not a coconut, and get people to vote for the DA’s middle class economics.

It’s all about elections.

Bantu Holomisa, the uncle of opposition politics, is trying to look edgy by hanging with Juju, the born-again revolutionary.

Someone should have told Che Guevara the fastest way to turn a Breitling-wearing capitalist into a communist is to ask him to pay tax.

Celebs always develop hangers-on, like Andile Mngxitama, that gargantuan ego between two legs and a red beret.

If he was serious about socialism, he would have joined the Workers & Socialist Party, but hey, we all want some of that nationalised cake, right?

That’s why Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) leaders arrive at events in luxury 4x4s – they need enough space for Juju’s stomach and Mngxitama’s colossal ego.

Of course, the election stakes are enormous, so when President Jacob Zuma said “Don’t think like an African in Africa”, Mac Maharaj’s spin-doctor brain froze faster than a year-old BlackBerry.

The president had just changed the African National Congress into the National Congress.

White people at braais, many of whom would have been saying exactly the same thing the day before, could now hate on the president of Africa’s oldest liberation movement for being un-African. Damn.

Is the fight against wasteful expenditure just electioneering, a response to EFF’s excellent call for public servants to use public facilities (funded by taxpayers ... ahem, Juju)?

The president is spearheading the attack on expenditure, which is good, but ironic, like Kenny Kunene telling us he represents the poor.

Apparently Jeff Radebe just got a R1.5 million car, so the Marikana victims’ legal fees would have been sorted if they had convinced the department of justice that Dali Mpofu is a type of BMW.

I would say more about the DA, but their only real card is screaming “e-tolls”. They are too busy stabbing each other in the back to actually win elections.

Politicians are the sugar daddies of social change. They will say whatever they must to screw you. If you ask for a cuddle first, they’ll call you a “dirty voter”, because we all know how much politicians like to take showers.

» @chestermissing is a puppet political analyst on the International Emmy Award-nominated LNN on eNCA

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