Chester Missing: Hola electionistas! It’s time to make and break resolutions

2014-01-20 10:00

It’s an election year, so I hope you made New Year’s resolutions and then broke them immediately. That way, you’ll get into the mind-set of the political onslaught we are about to experience.

The year started with the ANC-led government paying R1?billion for a game farm to some white people. It must be nice to benefit twice from apartheid.

Juju, the guy who wanted to “kill for Zuma” not too long ago, now says the ANC is intolerant. Next he’ll tell us its members are fat.

The DA has already given ANC Cabinet ministers scorecards which, in terms of relative governing experience, is like Thabo giving Jacob sex tips.

The launch of the ANC’s election manifesto last week reminded us why the party is on top. The only way the DA could get that kind of support is if it tricked its people into thinking it was a Rodriguez concert.

The ANC event taught us that the party no longer gives people houses, rather “housing opportunities”. What is Nkandla if not a housing opportunity?

Alliance leaders were all present at the launch: Sdumo Dlamini, the guy from Cosatu who is most famous for not being Zwelinzima Vavi; and Dr Blade Nzimande, South Africa’s most capitalist communist, representing the working class like the fake sign language guy represents deaf people’s rights.

Nobody booed because we don’t have booers here any more, just booing opportunities.

The ANC wants to increase the schooling period from 12 years to 14 years. Is this to give time for textbooks to arrive?

All parties are battling for the high ground. I loved Juju’s move – building a house for a poor person in Nkandla. Of course, we have to ignore the fact that the R16?million he owes in taxes could have paid for hundreds of RDP houses. Damn!

Cope invited its MPs to its congress via SMS the day before. The party started as a movement, now it’s a bring ’n braai. I think Agang?SA is also making noises, but by the tone of its statements, I am beginning to suspect it isn’t a party either, just a blog with branches.

In my puppet opinion, these elections will be dominated by issues such as jobs, land and service delivery.

The middle classes need to realise that supporting Mandela’s dream while not supporting BEE and land redistribution is like telling people you are on a diet when you eat KFC.

Yes, South Africa still has racism, an illness where whites let black people raise their children and cook their food, but won’t let them rent their flats.

Who will take the moral high ground? Is the difference between an ANC red beret and an EFF red beret that the ANC one has room for current tender documents while the EFF version has room just for future ones?

»?@chestermissing is a puppet political analyst on eNCA’s Late Nite News

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