Election Mpimpi: The captivating humour of our politricks

2014-04-13 15:00

Party for your pres

It’s election season, a time when the loonies come out of their dark corners.

One of them is someone who Dr Thamsanqa Bam says is the president of something called the President People’s Party.

Bam is suing the Cabinet for violating the Constitution by not “protecting and providing for the citizens and inhabitants of the Republic of South Africa”.

He wants the courts to declare the performance of President Jacob Zuma and his Cabinet “unconstitutional, irregular, mediocre and shameful”.

The courts must also find them “flippant, overconfident, incompetent and ill-equipped to be custodians of this nation”.

Many South Africans might agree with Bam, but we would also like the court to find that he belongs to the Sterkfontein asylum with the other Thamsanqas who are already there.

Acting Khoi

Still on the subject of loonies, somewhere on the May 7 ballot paper will be the First Nation Liberation Alliance, which says it is fighting for the freedom of the Khoisan and coloured people.

The leaders of the party, which is demanding an independent state for the Khoisan in the old Cape Colony, say they want to “finally break the yoke of extended Bantu colonisation and extended economic monopolisation over our people”.

Sterkfontein needs a new wing.

Things that go bump

According to Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula, Western Cape is run by witches in the form of the DA government.

At an ANC election rally the other day, he said “tokoloshes” were needed to run the Helen Zille government out of power.

Public Enterprises Minister Malusi Gigaba also called the DA a party of demons.

Before that, some pro-ANC pastors said Public Protector Thuli Madonsela must be prayed for and cleansed of her demons.

Zuma and his deputy Cyril Ramaphosa have been going around the country warning people that if they don’t vote for the ANC, the ancestors will turn on them (the people).

What exactly is going on in the ANC? Why all this obsession with the supernatural?

Bheki’s second coming

It is quite obvious former top cop Bheki Cele missed out on Sunday school.

This week on the election trail, he warned Madonsela to stop acting like she is God and cautioned people not to treat her “like she is Jesus of Jerusalem”.

Dear Former Top Cop, Jesus is of Nazareth. Jerusalem is the place where they killed him.

Seats at the water table

The ANC’s Madibeng local municipality is holding a fundraising gala dinner this week where companies can buy tables of 10 people. For the two top platinum tables, you pay R100?000 and get to sit with Ramaphosa and provincial chairperson Supra Mahumapelo.

For the R75?000 silver table, you get Water Affairs Minister Edna Molewa for company.

If you want a tender from the district municipality, you occupy the bronze table by sitting with the mayor for just R50?000.

It keeps going down – all the way to the R30?000 copper tables, where you can indulge in scintillating conversation with the speaker of the council.

The ANC has not said if there is a coal table and how much it will cost. Perhaps the coal will be wet during the fundraiser.

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