Fanny and Flossie unpack their bags

2011-10-28 13:46

It’s pantomime time again and Cinderella’s ugly sisters – Fanny Flatulina and Flossie Flemerina – are behaving very badly.

Under Fanny’s puke-peach dress is actor Robert Whitehead, who is doing his first pantomime since the 1980s. I ask him if he remembers how much hard work it is.

“Yes,” he says. “That’s why I have been avoiding Janice Honeyman for 30 years.”

Lurking under Flossie’s oversized lacy frock is panto favourite Tobie Cronjé. If he’s not on stage, it just isn’t Christmas.

In between doling out Cinders’ chores and titivating, Fanny and Flossie spare a lunch hour to expose the gags and horrors in their handbags.

But even this intrepid journalist was too frightened to ask about some of the contents.

1 Smacking stick – “We love it because we love to give Cinderella a good hiding,” says Fanny.

“Parents should try it again. You can see it done live on stage!” interjects Flossie. As she tests its “klap”, Fanny laughs and says: “Beat it like a red-headed stepchild. Actually, I am a redhead, but not a real one.”

2 Hairspray – Flossie whips out her hairspray, saying: “I am never without it. I have to maintain my curls.”

Fanny quips: “Because she’s worth it.” Flossie agrees: “We are identical twins, the most attractive girls in the city. There may be some girl in the rural areas who’s prettier, but in the city we are.”

3 Fluffy transistor radio and Cane Spirit – “We are disco fans. We hate to be too far from our disco,” says Fanny. After feeling up the radio, Fanny says it’s from Germany. “Via China,” says Flossie. “There’s a tiny place called Berlin in China.” The pair laugh heartily at their joke.

4 Plastic spiders – “They just keep crawling into my bag. I don’t know why,” says Flossie. “But I love to throw them at kids.”

5 Methylated spirits and an oversized lighter – “I only have a sip now and then,” says Flossie. “She likes to set things on fire,” says Fanny. “That’s why I carry this lighter.”

6 Lots of toilet rolls – “I need it because when I meet people, I give them the shits,” says Flossie.

7 Condoms – “I’m a bit desperate, so I collect them,” says Flossie. “We are hoping the rugby team will visit,” adds Fanny.
The two then have a good cackle over the names on the packets: “Groot Meneer”, “Piet Pompies” and “Voetstoots”.

8 Clown purse – “It’s not very big because I am going through rough times,” says Flossie.

» Cinderella runs at the Joburg Theatre in Braamfontein until December 30. 0 0861 670 670 or visit www.joburgtheatre.co.za

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