From zero to hero attitude

2011-11-05 15:35

The gene gods gave me a sweet tooth and a predisposition to put on weight simply by watching the cooking channel. Then they forgot to endow me with a love of exercise.

As a result, I have curves in all the right – and wrong – places.

But these days I refuse to go hungry, least of all for the deity that decided size zero is the perfect frame to design clothes for.

There is no way I can live on a blanched grain of rice and fresh air, as those ridiculously skinny catwalk models seem to do. My Battle of the Bulge is legendary.

I’ve tried every diet in the book and made some up along the way.

There was the cabbage soup diet, the pineapple diet and the “wrap myself in cling film and drink only black tea” diet.

They worked wonders until sanity prevailed or I passed out from hunger and my father made me eat proper food. For years I hated my body, couldn’t look at my image in the mirror and had no confidence.

To be honest, I am not sure what triggered my shift in consciousness.

I just woke up one day and decided no one was going to decide my worth based on whether or not I look good in a bikini. I went to see a nutritionist, who prescribed five small meals a day, plenty of water and moderate exercise.

Finally, something seemed to be working. Nothing is taboo, if consumed in moderation, and I am not forced to eat anything I don’t want to eat.

I will never be friends with broccoli or tomatoes and there is no way I will give up chocolate or pastry. Or chocolate-covered pastry. I have fallen off the wagon plenty of times, but I simply start over.

I’ve learned to love my body and the wondrous machine it is. This has made me want to treat myself better, which translates into being healthy. It’s a slow journey. And there are still days when I wish for an instant solution.

If we could put a man on the moon why can’t we make technology to suck the fat from my ample booty and put it in my boobs?

Simple redistribution of wealth. How about a pill I can take and wake up 20kg lighter the next morning?

I’m loving that my jeans are getting looser and all the compliments I get. It spurs me on.

My aim is not to be size zero, I just want to drop a few dress sizes and get fit enough to do the adventurous things I’ve always believed my weight inhibited me from doing – like learning to surf.

And I have made peace with the fact that I will never be Mila Kunis.

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