Headlines you won't see in 2015

2015-01-05 11:24

With the year already five days old, there are certain things readers might wish to read about – but they’re unlikely to happen. Mondli Makhanya examines some of the headlines that won’t.

Madonsela braids her hair

After massive public pressure and years of ridicule by comedians and members of the public, Public Protector Thuli Madonsela has decided to get rid of her weave.

“As Public Protector, I felt it was my duty to protect the public from that hairstyle as it was a violation of their constitutional rights,” she said.

Burglar has Tshabalala’s degree

A serial burglar serving time in Durban’s Westville Prison has come forward to say he is the one who stole former SABC chair Ellen Tshabalala’s Unisa certificates when he broke into her house several years ago.

In a statement released by his and Tshabalala’s lawyers, Edmond Khumalo said he had decided to speak up because his actions had cost the SABC a highly competent chairperson.

“I had long forgotten about the certificates because they were of no value to me. Then my sister found them while rummaging through my things at home. She then came to visit me and said I should speak up as I had cost an almost First Lady her job,” said Khumalo.

Eskom makes electricity

Newly appointed Eskom CEO Collin Matona has announced the power utility will generate electricity this year and distribute it to millions of households and businesses.

“Our executive structure went into the bush for a strategic planning session and we came up with a new business plan in terms of which our focus will shift from switching off electricity to providing electricity. This is a big leap for us,” he said in Joburg.

Zuma recognises all his children

In a touching moment during his birthday celebrations in Nkandla, President Jacob Zuma acknowledged all his children by name.

Sources at the private ceremony said although it took an hour and 40 minutes to get through the list, it was heart-warming to see that he did not only recognise the kids who bring in money from the Guptas and the ones who act in soapies.

Zille: I will never dance again

DA leader Helen Zille has finally admitted that her attempts to outdance President Jacob Zuma have failed to attract the ANC leader’s hard-core supporters to her party.

She wrote on her party’s website that pre-election research had shown that since Zuma displaced his predecessor Thabo Mbeki with his dance routines, anyone who wanted to displace him would need to perfect their gyrations.

But after irreversibly damaging her knees and hips during the 2014 election campaign, the party’s gains were negligible.

“Clearly it’s more than just the dancing that keeps people voting for him. But I’m happy with just one husband so I won’t try out his other magic,” she said.

Ramaphosa says something

Just more than a year since being sworn into office, Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa opened his mouth and said something about South Africa.

“I know it has taken a while but it has now dawned on me that I am the deputy president of South Africa and not a Lesotho politician. I would like to thank my wife for playing a recording of my swearing-in ceremony the other night because that is what jolted my memory,” said Ramaphosa.

Malema gives Zuma-free speech

In a move that has political circles in a tizz, Economic Freedom Fighters leader Julius Malema delivered a speech devoid of references to President Jacob Zuma and the ANC.

Political observers said this could be a sign that Malema has finally accepted his expulsion from the governing party.

Jim visits dentist

National Union of Metalworkers of SA general secretary Irvin Jim snuck into a dentist’s room this week and sorted out his teeth. Journalists were shocked to discover a full complement of teeth when Jim addressed a press conference.

A union spokesperson, speaking on condition of anonymity, said this was in preparation for the launch of the United Front, which Jim wants to also have appeal among born-frees and clever blacks.

Kelly’s new man survives six months

The new love in Kelly Khumalo’s life on Friday threw a party to celebrate six months of romance with the star without any tragedy befalling him. “Look, I am here. I am not in a wheelchair, I am not in jail and – most importantly – I am alive,” said Tumelo Motloung, a Pretoria-based IT businessman.

Dali Tambo releases documentary

More than a decade since he was found at now-defunct The Ranch strip-tease joint during a Scorpions raid, film maker and businessman Dali Tambo’s hard work has borne fruit.

Tambo, who at the time said he was at the raunchy establishment to do research on a documentary, said through his publicist that his work was now ready for airing and he had already been in discussion with various broadcasters about the project.

“It was a labour of love and Mr Tambo sweated hard to get it done,” said publicist Tanya McMahon.

Newspapers apologise to Hlaudi

Several South African newspapers have apologised to SABC boss Hlaudi Motsoeneng for omitting his name from the results in his matric year. A representative from the newspaper association said there had been a fault at the printers in that year.

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