Khanyi Mbau's vajayjay rules the roast

2014-04-06 14:00

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Khanyi Mbau’s vagina took centre stage ahead of Kenny Kunene at the Sushi King’s much-awaited roast, with sexist insults ruling the night.

The roast, hosted by Comedy Central, pits celebrities against one another as they take pot shots and stab each other with stinging jokes and jabs. Kunene’s turn came on Thursday night at Joburg’s Lyric Theatre at Gold Reef City, where British comedian Jimmy Carr was the roast master.

Carr announced the panel of supposed celebrities was a gathering of “the who’s who of who’s that?” referring to his lack of knowledge of local “stars”.

What should have been a night about Kunene – an aspiring politician who infamously ate sushi from bikini-clad women before renouncing bling and his unofficial title as king of skhothanes – instead became all about female genitals, women’s bodies and gay men.

The stage was beautifully decorated with impressions of Kunene in iconic images such as Queen Elizabeth’s royal portrait, Napoleon Bonaparte, Michelangelo’s David, The Sphinx and Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

The roasters were reality TV stars Khanyi Mbau and Dineo Ranaka, musicians Jack Parow and PJ Powers, radio host Rian van Heerden, celebrity choreographer Somizi Mhlongo and comedians Tumi Morake and John Vlismas.

Carr proved to be the master of the one-liner and had the audience on its knees when he introduced Morake: “When I was growing up we used to send money to the starving children in Africa – did it all go to you?” followed by: “If you get peckish let me know, I will call Bob Geldof.”

He went on to call Mbau a “skank” and asked her why she wasn’t working on Rosebank’s infamous Oxford Road, a popular prostitute pick-up spot. Powers also came in for a drubbing, especially for her age. She was called a “dinosaur” and an “old lesbian”.

Carr probably took it too far for some people when he introduced the singer by saying: “PJ Powers is a 54-year-old lesbian. Fun fact: her vagina is actually where they got the idea for biltong.”

Carr called Kunene a blue whale, a gangster and an idiot. Laying into Kunene relentlessly, he said: “Kenny went into politics in order to give something back to the community. Tell you what the community would like, the money you f***ing stole.

“Kenny was a big supporter of the ANC until last year, when he realised the levels of corruption among the leadership were simply too low. He is a man of the people, and those people are criminals.”

He finished off with: “It’s good that we roast you tonight because it’s a warm-up for when you burn in hell.”

Carr poked fun at President Jacob Zuma, Oscar Pistorius and Shrien Dewani, and joked that had Reeva Steenkamp not been using the disabled toilet she would not have been shot dead by Pistorius, who is currently standing trial for her murder.

He also made some uncomfortable comments about necklacing.

Van Heerden, the Jacaranda FM breakfast host, took on Parow: “Saying you’re the best Afrikaans hip-hopper around is like being captain of the Shangaan waterpolo team.”

When Morake took to the stage she called Kunene an “STD Petri dish”. “I thought you’d be wiped out long ago, but I guess Aids also has standards.”

“You were an English teacher?” she asked Kunene before bursting out laughing. “That’s like me being a spokeperson for Weight Watchers.”

She also took on Mbau’s private parts, asking: “Khanyi, woman to woman, does that thing have a tax number?”

She added Mbau’s vagina had bankrupted more businessmen than the recession.

Vlismas came on stage with a bodyguard and a gun, a reference to the bust-up he almost had with Steve Hofmeyr when the Afrikaans singer was roasted in 2012.

Mbau descended to the podium and released a long sigh before announcing: “Kenny, I’m so sorry that my pussy is outshining your roast.”

She then went on the offensive, eliciting some of the wildest roars from the auditorium.

In his reply, delivered like a politician reading a speech, Kunene said it was not easy for him to keep going to court to support white people who accidentally kill their partners – a reference to his public support for Pistorius.

He also complained about the size of Parow’s signature cap, saying it could decapitate people.

And he called Vlismas a tokoloshe.

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