Mars and Venus: forever different

2010-02-26 13:39

MEN are from Mars. Women hail from Venus.

I’m not going to go into the battle of the sexes; I just want to

explain the differences between men and women.

Take the ideal hook up.

Venus: a little black dress, shiny red lips, a flute filled with

French bubbles and my breath-taking legs in leather peep-toe high heels. I am at

a hunting singles’s natural habitat; a cocktail bar or club du jour. I’m alone

so my girlfriends don’t outshine, outwit and out sex-appeal me; cosmopolitan

women are flipping ferocious hunters.

My eyes scout the room.

A solo man two tables on my left looks cool. Pity about the

braai-and-beer gut. Two old men are looking my way, but grey is so three seasons

ago.

A small group walks in. There is a hottie (yes!), trailed by a girl

who wraps herself as enthusiastically around his waist as he does hers. (Note to

self: Must buy Brazilian hair and nails from Korea).

My eyes scan some more before settling on a table full of men

clearly on a boys night out.

I take a sip of champers while contemplating the wisdom of walking

past their table when one of them is already making my legs quiver from a

distance.

I take another sip, channelling my pheromones to come through. I am

about to get up when a well-dressed brother comes over to make small talk. Hello

possibility!

Brother-man is far from being a bore. He doesn’t hurt the eyes. He

does not play out one of those sad case 30-something scenarios that hit on women

via their “privileged background”, their affirmative action powered salaries or

the top private high school they attended close to two decades ago.

Even better, he does not find it necessary to pepper his talk by

name-dropping New York, Washington, London, Rio and other cities he has

visited.

“Hello,” I hear Lionel Richie singing in my head, “Is it me you are

looking for?”

We click. We spend the rest of the evening laughing and clicking

even more. We exchange numbers. We set up a date.

It is better than the night of the hook up. A few weeks later, we

are on a Saturday afternoon ­picnic.

Let’s call the above a classic hook-up moment from Venus.

Now let’s move to Mars.

The Martian is getting a drink and happens to stand next to a

chick. “Those legs. Those heels. That cleavage. They’re worth a minute of

silence.”

Small talk and hours later, he has her number.

 A date’s in order.

She gets the feeling they’ll have an incredible sex life.

A few weeks later and they are still out-shagging rabbits and, even

better, she is not talking about “us”, “love” or where the relationship is

heading.

The ideal hook-up in Mars, where men seem to think women think

about sex as they do. My recent bus rides being cases in point.

From Plett to Mossel Bay.

Exhibit A: “Can I touch you?”

Cape Town to Swakopmund.

Exhibit B runs his hand on my back just because I asked to sit with

him instead of the rowdy people around my allocated seat.

I reminded them that men do not own women’s bodies and there are

times when expressing sexual desire is disrespectful and inappropriate. I put

their ­behaviour down to the Mars and Venus theory.

In Venus, a man falls and acts in love at first sight and turns out

to be the dream boyfriend soon heading to fiancé status and wonderful husband

many decades later.

Over in Mars a text message like, “You are amazing, please spend

the night with me,” sent three hours after meeting a woman bears fruit;

repeatedly.

It turns out she understands a man needs space and peace to act

careless ... pardon, care-free.

Take me back to my planet of origin.

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