Nkandla tuck shop must pay back Shuttleworth

2014-10-13 13:45

Mark Shuttleworth sued the government to pay him back the R250?million it taxed him when he emigrated.

Can you imagine Msholozi taking that call? “Bra Mark, a funny thing happened with that R250?mill. Do you like fire pools?”

Will we be paying Shuttleworth back with Nkandla tuck shop coupons? I hear he wants to put the money into a fund for people wanting to take action against the state which, in effect, is like volunteering to fund the DA.

On the bright side, everyone except the guy with 700 charges is in court. Oscar, Shrien, even Juju were there facing charges although in the latter’s case, very briefly.

It’s like the only things shorter than Julius Malema’s court appearances are his diets. The rest of us get 15 minutes of fame. Politicians get 15 minutes of accountability.

The Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) arrived en masse for Julius’ tender fraud court date under strict orders not to shout “pay back the money”.

Apparently, organs of state are being used against him. Disgusting. Next, someone will be offering to kill for Zuma.

The EFF is making headlines for walking out on its disciplinary process. It says the ANC is the accuser, the judge and the witness, which sounds a lot like Juju’s business model of “but if I am sending this tender to myself, must I actually post it?”

But that, like Shrien Dewani’s sex life, is hearsay.

Then the ANC in Gauteng got together and decided it was not so keen on e-tolls after all. Damn. I hate it when you enforce a system of road use extortion on your people by mistake. Apparently, it’s keen on a “fuel tax”.

Where have we heard that before? Wait for it, yes, its archnemesis, the guy who has had his golden career gap sidelined by the revolutionary Teletubbies, Mmusi Maimane, has been saying it for years. That’s almost as annoying as finding out someone installed a chicken run as a security feature.

In a moment of linguistic time travel, Desmond Tutu called our politicians a “lickspittle bunch”. Half of us were going, lickspittle, isn’t that how you spread Ebola?

Who uses this word, Comrade Arch? You may be right, but I am struggling to think of Thulas Nxesi next to the words ‘lick’ and ‘spittle’.

At least you don’t have to go through another awkward dinner with default Nobel laureate FW de Klerk avoiding all those questions we still have about apartheid atrocities.

Luckily, we will be able to forget politics again with The Ladykillers Season 2: The Return of Shrien.

Some journalist wrote this week: Dewani admitted to being bisexual. I spent all week waiting for the next headline: Journalist admitted to being homophobic.

@chestermissing is the winner of the 2014 Comic’s Pen Award and is SA’s top political analyst puppet

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