Orgies, arse-kissing and magic tricks

2014-05-12 10:00

I hope you all made the most of the elections with the official Independent Electoral Commission’s voting app.

It helps you vote, allows you to rent office space from Pansy Tlakula and arrests you if you try take a selfie in a voting booth. Like herpes, your vote is something only you and your significant other should know about.

The heat added by the Economic Freedom Fighters in these elections made them the most entertaining to date.

How do you take your march to a TV channel? But there it was, at the SABC, which we were all shocked to hear is not actually on 7de Laan, demanding its ads depicting police brutality be flighted.

In South Africa, the public can be killed by police but they can’t see pictures of the police doing it. It’s like we are okay with orgies but not pornography.

Based on the noises they made in the last few weeks of electioneering, the DA’s solution to poverty, solving white privilege and education is shouting about Nkandla. It’s like it thinks Mandela was fighting Nkandla first and apartheid second.

The DA’s PR engine is a well-oiled machine. I am certain there was a blue apparatchik deciding how many blacks Helen Zille must hug each day. I decided early on that if a politician tried to kiss me, they needed to go full tongue or nothing.

Apparently there were 45 parties running for these elections, which adds up to 40 ways to waste your vote. On the canvassing front, all the Patriotic Alliance could pull off was getting Gayton McKenzie to write an open letter to Julius Malema.

My Open Tweet to McKenzie was: “We have no idea who you are anyway. Sincerely, Chester Missing.”

I am told he is Kenny Kunene’s buddy, so unless there’s a ministry for open letter writers, also Kenny’s one big skill, then that’s a wasted vote. And I’m surprised the Congress of the People didn’t throw poo at themselves to get media attention.

But in all, the ANC needs to be applauded. If the party fires the president after the elections, he is guaranteed a job as a magician in Las Vegas: he made an entire homestead vanish, with help from some very well-deployed cadres.

Just think about the amount of presidential arse-kissing that went into making the Nkandla Commission disappear.

Msholozi is still top dog. I’m surprised he didn’t arrange a wedding on May 7.

One thing that has remained the same before and after the elections: President Zuma is freer than any other South African.

@chestermissing is the puppet author of Chester Missing’s Guide to the Elections ’14

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