Paddy Harper considers celibacy

2013-11-05 12:46

For the first time in my life I’m considering celibacy. Giving up sex. Hanging up my boots.

It’s a tough decision. Not one to be taken lightly. It’s not because I don’t like sex. I do. As much of it as I can get, that is. Sex is pretty much essential, like breathing, eating and football.

The problem is the relationship stuff. I’m shit at it. I always have been, and probably always will be.

I guess I’m the problem.

Women my age don’t seem to dig me very much. They look at me like I fell from a tree. I don’t blame them.

Being a junkie made me grow up late. Very late. The result is a bit of a man-child with some weird ideas. I’m also not very conventional, or big on stuff that people my age generally care about. No house. No suit. No nine-to-five. No desk gig. No retirement plan. No stability. Too much hard living. Too much football. Too many all-nighters with the Ghenginator. An inability to rein in my wandering tendencies.

Add in Big James and Small James, my live-in adult offspring, lurking on the couch, and I’m not much of a catch.

My track record with younger women isn’t much better. They tend to buy my bullshit. Dig the contradictions. Enjoy the madness. Rock the mayhem and disorder. Then drop the hammer.

At my age, older women aren’t really an option. The concept of being some Octogenarian’s Ben48 sends chills up – and down – my spine.

Maybe I should cross the floor rather than end it all.

I’ve never really considered sex with men, except for Prince, and that was only in a drunken discussion with the Ghenginator and the lovely Miss Eva Jackson.

There was that night at the men-only bar at the Lounge, but by the time Ghengis and I were drunk enough to take Bevan up on his offer, he’d left the building. And that Tuesday two seasons back when I was roofied by the tranny with the Maltese poodle at the Elephant after an Arsenal Champion’s League fixture.

There may be hope for Harper yet.

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