Poptartology: Bad girls and black unconsciousness

2013-04-06 16:34

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The viral pie chart

The University of Cape Town’s student newspaper, Varsity, created an international incident this week with a pie chart.

A snap survey conducted for a fluffy little opinion piece Is Love Colour Blind? concluded that, although all respondents were willing to date across colour lines, “dating a white person is perceived as being the ultimate status symbol for many people of colour”.

This was put down to a theory of “romantic Darwinism”.

The piece would’ve received the attention it deserved (very little) if it wasn’t for the accompanying graphic and Twitter.

Picture: @ednake89/Twitter

Columnist Jacques Rousseau tried to talk some sense on the matter on his blog but it was too late. Social media erupted, the Young Communist League declared war and reported the student rag to the SA Human Rights Commission and then the UK’s Daily Mail picked up on it.

Varsity had its Spear moment.

Nibble nibble

If only everyone in Cape Town could be as cheerful as the @LeeuwenhofRat. This week’s unacknowledged star of Twitter was born when Cape Town mayor Helen Zille was assaulted at her Leeuwenhof residence.

“The weirdest thing just happened. I went to fetch the newspapers at the gate when a rat darted out, and bit me on my toe!” she tweeted.

When people began to ask if her account had been hacked, she proved her plight by tweeting a photo of her toe, in turn disgusting even hardened foot fetishists and causing Twitter users to speculate about the race of the rat and initiating a citywide rat clean-up.

Picture: @Helenzille/Twitter

Enter @LeeuwenhofRat with a debut tweet of great hilarity: “First time it’s your toe – next time your leg @helenzille” and following it up with, “@PatriciaDeLille you’re next”.

Gizoogle yourself

Don’t ask any questions, just go to Gizoogle and type in your name – if you don’t mind crude language. Gizoogle will hip hop your universe, translating your life into gangsta slang.

The link to Helen Zille’s Twitter account, for example, reads as follows:

Helen Zille on Twizzle

All tha sickest f*ckin bullshizzle from Helen Zille (@helenzille). Westside Cape Premier n’ Leader of Downtown Africa’s Straight-Up Legit Opposizzle Party: Da Democratic Alliizzle (@DA_Sh*t).

They said it, not me, dear readers. On Gizoogle you can even type in a link and get a whole article translated. The Young Communist League’s anger at UCT, for example: “League disgusted by poll up in Varsitizzle showin 38% of hustlas regard whites as most bangin race”. I blame the internet.

“Hey Naidoo, don’t Pillay with me, I’m not in the Moodley”

So South Africa’s most expensive and explosive action film to date was put through a Gizoogle and came out the other end a comedy.

Blitz Patrollie – “A hilarious new South African action comedy film from the agents behind the iconic sketch series The Pure Monate Show” – has released its official trailer.

(NSFW – Language)


I saw the first edit of Blitz Patrollie at the Durban International Film Festival last year and it is definitely not unfunny. If anything it was too ambitious, cramming in too many story arcs. But it’s visually amazing, courtesy director Andrew Wessels, and offers the best stupid comedy you’ve seen in years, from the laptop of Kagiso Ladiga.

Don’t be surprised if you hear lines like: “Hey Naidoo, don’t Pillay with me, I’m not in the Moodley”.

David Kau and Joey Rasdien star as “Ace” Dikolobe and “Rummy” Augustine, alongside an all star line-up of comedians like Chris Forrest, David Kibuuka, Tol A$$ Mo, Mel Miller, Sans Moonsamy, Kaseran Pillay and Loyiso Gola.

It’s produced by Diprente Films, a consortium of funnymen who would probably never see their feature dreams come true if they didn’t do it themselves. It opens in cinemas on May 10.

Black unconsciousness

If you think that’s trippy, take a look at what Amsterdam did with the legacy of Steve Biko. They created Steve’s Party at Steve Biko Square to celebrate Easter and to mark the advent of Spring.

What does the murdered black consciousness activist have to do with Spring in the Netherlands? Er. Nothing, writes the blog Africa is a Country (@AfricasaCountry).

Poptart of the week: Dama do Bling

My Eish is the name of the new track by Mozambiquan rap queen Dama do Bling.

That’s as in, “my ish” but instead it’s “my eish” and that’s cos Dama do Bling can. It’s the first track off her anticipated fifth studio album.

With all the audacity of a Brenda Fassie, she is steadily creating her own pop mythology across the continent.

Here’s how Corinna Jentzsch describes it: “Called a lusophone Queen Latifah and Mozambican Lil Kim, Dama do Bling (“lady of bling”) has become the queen of Mozambican hip-hop, and through her collaboration with pan-African superstars like Nigeria’s Sasha P, Kenya’s Yvonne, and Bleksem from South Africa she has become well-known all over the continent.” 

A true poptart always makes an eponymous release – Dama do Bling by Dama do Bling – and makes certain the world knows they’re a bad girl.


Hence the ironic title of her most recent video, Bad Girl.


There are several other poptart top tips on offer here:

» Always include your name in big white Gothicky hip hop font

» Don’t ever be shy to sing about yourself in the third person, as in the lyrics: “Bling’s in da house – and she’s goddamn looking hot/in a golden bikini/she looks like a superstar… She’s so hot when she moves/I love the way she dances”

» Rap in Portuguese to get people interested, then switch to English for world domination.

» Cheetahs. Include stock footage of cheetahs. Very few other countries have them and they’re cheaper than a Lady Gaga drag queen

» It’s considered necessary to prominently feature men fanning you with banana leaves

» But don’t stop there. In the next scene, reversion colonial history and get yourself a small gang of half-naked male slaves.

Pop conspiracies

Justin Bieber is turning himself into Michael Jackson

KFC will offer a boneless menu so Americans can eat their fast food even faster

Hackers have turned Kim Jong-un into a piglet

Nigeria is producing crystal meth, a drug that spread into pop consciousness through the hit American TV series Breaking Bad

In Japan, there is a genre of sports musicals called TeniMyu and you can watch a musical based on manga about playing tennis

X-Men in the kasi

South African electropunk producer Haezer has a new video out featuring the rapper Tumi. It’s dark and cultish. Take a look:


I guess it’s refreshing to see kids with superpowers taking over the hood, referencing a line in pop that can be traced from Carrie through to X-Men.

Not so sure about how similar in look and mood it is to Spoek Mathambo’s Control and why white musicians and international artists constantly feel the need to play out their fantasies by tapping into poverty porn.

But hey. What do I know?

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