Shit-stirring ahead of the elections

2014-04-15 13:14

Tuesday morning. Zeelah – that’s what the Commander in Chief’s members in Nxamalala call Helen Zille – is on TV.

Not the state broadcaster. Zeelah’s not “aHlaud” on His Master’s Voice, I hear, so she’s on the paid-for version.

Zeelah’s talking shit. Ok, let me rephrase that. Zeelah’s talking about shit. And the politics thereof.

It’s been that kind of an election. Not exactly highbrow. Truth is, it’s been a dirty election thus far and we’re still several weeks from voting day.

Faeces has been hurled, far and wide, by all concerned. Literally and figuratively. Nobody’s kept it clean. Across the board the dung has been flung with a level of disregard for reality – and the voting public – that’s surprised even me.

Zeelah’s bout of faeces fixation has been sparked by Bheki Cele. The Cat in the Hat used to run the police. Then the Cat in the Hat got bombed by the Commander in Chief. The Cat in the Hat is still unemployed.

The Cat in the Hat’s not shy to see a gap (except in a lease agreement). Breakfast at the Beverly Hills is an expensive business, after all.

The Cat in the Hat decides to occupy the Malema-sized hole in the ANC’s shit-stirring department created when the Jelly Tsotsi got the heave ho for sticking his finger in the Commander in Chief’s eye. Take the gap and sling the crap.

The Cat in the Hat gets stuck into Thuli Madonsela ahead of the release of her report about the Commander in Chief’s hacienda. Sets the tone for things to come.

The Cat in the Hat’s not done though. He pops up in Zululand to lead a march against Zanele Magwaza-Msibi, who, on paper, runs the district with the ANC. Accuses her of corruption and bad service delivery and digs his claws into Madonsela (again) before heading off.

The next day, the Cat in the Hat lands in Cape Town. It’s amazing how far he’s managed to stretch those UIF payments. The Cat in the Hat sneaks into Cape Town with false refugee papers. The Cat in the Hat hooks up with the local Kakka Kamerada.

They’ve been in and out of court – and the ANC – over their poo protests. The Cat and the Hat urges them to keep on kakking. And slinging it.

So Zeelah’s on TV talking toilets. Again. The Cat in the Hat, she says, is talking crap with his claims about Cape Town flushing foul. Zeelah reckons the Cat in the Hat should get his own cat box in order, as it were.

Zeelah says her province has the most – and best – toilets in the country. Maybe even on the planet. In the universe even. Ninety percent of the Cape’s punters, she says, can flush.

In fact, Zeelah says, these toilets are so good that the refugees who have caused the Cape’s crap crisis in the first place want to take them home with them when they cross the border every Christmas.

May 7 suddenly seems very, very far away.

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