State of the nation, one word at a time

2013-02-17 10:00

If this state of the nation address were any more boring, Generations would use it as a script. Our president isn’t exactly a speed reader.

It’s like someone was SMSing him the speech oneword at a time.

The president could have been a lot more inspiring because right now Msholozi is so hot Nando’s is basting him on chicken.

He went to Mangaung and won.

He went to Bafana Bafana and they beat Angola.

He beat Juju. I suspect Lance Armstrong has been illegally injecting himself with Msholozi.

But still, I watched this address and thought, for a guy who has four wives this man isn’t big on commitment.

Politicians didn’t mind this occasion being held on Valentine’s Day because they know nobody loves them, but the rest of us want more before we’re screwed.

I am sick to death of seeing politicians walking around pretending they have something many, many South African school kids are deprived of: class.

On the bright side, nationalisation is out the door, but that’s mainly because Cyril Ramaphosa would have to nationalise himself.

If you Google the words “conflict of interest” you get a picture of Cyril Ramaphosa.

The president spoke about obesity and building dams. Water retention for days. And corruption?

Seriously, Jacob Zuma is committed to fighting corruption like Khulubuse is committed to Weigh-Less.

Of course you like Brics Mr President.

Looking at your foreign benefactors we can see you built Nkandla one Brics at a time.

Even the Guptas were present during the address.

We have Treasury, and we have the Guptas, Treasury Lite.

President Zuma mentioned making teaching an essential service. What does this mean? Will teachers go to school in an ambulance?

Some kid passed Grade 7 with 29% last year.

The economy is so bad even school comes at a discount.

But it’s awesome that we are building 40 new schools in the Eastern Cape.

The Zilles of the world ignore the fact most poor people in the former homelands are not poor because they did not vote DA.

They are poor because white people put them there.

The president supported gender issues, which to me is like KFC selling salad.

It’s a good idea, but it tastes a bit funny.

This is the guy who supported the sexists at the House of Traditional Leaders.

I am stoked Comrade President dealt with the land issue.

Let’s agree, land redistribution in South Africa is so slow Josh Groban could sing to it.

My biggest take-out from the address is that Gwede Mantashe is a very good ventriloquist.

When Msholozi talks you hardly see Gwede’s lips move.

»Missing is a political analyst on Late Nite News with Loyiso Gola on eNCA

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