‘Stop whining and go get his knob’

2014-06-17 13:05

Saturday. I’m properly fed up. The Croc and I are lurking outside the Commander in Chief’s hacienda at Nxamalala.

Nxamalala’s the village about 50km from Nkandla where the CiC lives. The CiC’s not home. He’s off sick in Pretoria. However, somebody’s brother’s cousin’s uncle’s sister-in-law’s friend knows somebody who met somebody who said the CiC was going home because he was ill.

One thing leads to another and the Friday night World Cup fixtures take two in the chest and one in the head. Needless to say, the CiC’s a no-show.

The truth is, our wild-goose chase has been a logical conclusion to a week that should never have happened. I should have just carried on with my weekend bender and called in sick like the CiC.

Things started going horribly wrong last Tuesday morning. A jolt to the left and the dodgy disc at the base of my spine – courtesy of a sober dive in the rain down the Ghenginator’s stairs a couple of years back – paralyses me. I head straight to see my chiro mate Angela. Three days of electric shocks, 12-inch needles and being pretzeled on a bench ensue. Nice.

By Friday I’m mobile and hopeful that I can salvage a bit of dignity from the week. Then I get the call to go stalk the big man. Not cool, but what can you do. If it turns out our geese are domesticated and I stay at home, I’m dead.

Then things get even worse. My mobile goes. It’s the boss. Somebody’s been tweeting pictures of what is apparently Sandile Zungu’s knob all over the cyberworld. For some unknown reason I have to write about it. I can hear the other bosses giggling in the background as she puts the knife in. Bastards.

I’m flattened. This is wrong, for so many reasons.

First up, I know Sandile. Not so well that I could identify his penis, but I’ve met the cat repeatedly. We’re from the same town after all. I’m also a keen follower of his Facebook posts, which are pretty funny, unlike his cheesy-as-hell shag tweets.

Second, I’m an award-winning investigative motherf****r. I leap tall buildings with a single bound. I probe corruption, not other men’s parts. This ain’t a gig for Harper – this is Page 3 muppet or intern fare.

Third, the only knob I have an interest in is my own. I’m like that. It is what it is.

The boss is having none of it. She cuts my protests short. Brutally. Tells me to man up. Stop whining and go get Sandile’s knob.

Join the conversation!

24.com encourages commentary submitted via MyNews24. Contributions of 200 words or more will be considered for publication.

We reserve editorial discretion to decide what will be published.
Read our comments policy for guidelines on contributions.

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
0 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

 
/News

Book flights

Compare, Book, Fly

Traffic Alerts
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.