The Wild Life: TV starved

2013-10-01 11:17

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I haven’t watched TV in what seems like an age.

Mainly because my children beg me to lie down with them in their beds before they fall asleep.

“Mommy come lie,” begs Romantix (5). And after a hectic day at work I generally fall asleep faster than he does, waking at about 11.30pm with eyelashes stuck together with clumpy mascara. Looking gorgeous, I then stagger down the passage to my own room.

Thank God for PVR.

The day I bought my PVR decoder was one of the happiest of my life. (I know, I don’t get out much.)

But this weekend there was a problem. The hard drive was full.

Attila the Horizontal was in his usual position – on the couch. It’s amazing he hasn’t grown roots.

He yells that we need to delete stuff.

Not the soccer matches he recorded, those of his beloved football club Fenerbahçe’s ill-fated participation in the UEFA Champions League.

No no no.

“But that’s ancient history!” I say. And there’s no point in prolonging last year’s Champions League-related depression.

“Wallahi Nicki, I need this”. But he can’t say for what.

“What is this crap, you know what I mean. This CSI?” he asks.

Now he’s clearly experiencing taste failure. CSI is not crap. It’s far better than stupid Fenerbahçe matches.

And I hadn’t watched a single episode of the last season.

He wants to delete it like he deleted Game of Thrones, which I also didn’t get to see.

After a few terse words, I evict Attila from the couch and start watching CSI on Sunday night. At least until 9.15pm when the hideous Turkish soccer programme starts on Turkish satellite TV.

It’s the highlight of his week. Attila would happily swap me for that decoder.

The day he came home with that thing was a dark one indeed.

So I carry on watching on Monday.

CSI has a no-under-16 age restriction, and the children keep gravitating towards the lounge.

I press pause and send them out during the particularly grizzly bits (like the time when this decomposing dude was virtually poured out of a wine vat onto the morgue table, when I was eating lunch, yuck) but they can’t be gotten rid of that easily.

I should have realised what was going on when they were quiet for just over an hour.

I watched two episodes while Dramatix (8) and Romantix were playing a new game they called “CSI CSI”.

Dramatix’s dolls house was the scene of a particularly gruesome murder.

One of her Barbie dolls (her least favourite whose head had long fallen off) was the victim.

It wasn’t Ken who did it, but the “Barbie with the long eyelashes” who was jealous and wanted Victim Barbie’s money.

To my horror there was a lot of blood on the scene too.

Blood in the form of food colouring, a lot of the left over bright pink stuff which was used to tint the icing on Dramatix’s birthday cupcakes a month ago.

The food colouring was all over the carpet, and several other Barbies who were apparently the CSI team working on the case, because the killer apparently, went about her work with enthusiasm.

It was also all over Dramatix’s hands and forehead, and all over Romantix’s cheeks.

And that stuff stains.

As I write, Dramatix is sitting in the bath with a loofah, scrubbing her hands and head so she doesn’t have to go back to school tomorrow looking like she’s just killed someone.

Romantix doesn’t mind how his cheek looks, though he’d prefer it if the food colouring had been blue.

As I contemplate scrubbing the carpet, I wonder whether there’s a moral to this story.

If there is one, it is this: stick to the age restrictions, people. If you don’t, you’ll be the ones having the nightmares.

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