The Zeelah, Babylon show at Nkandla is my fault

2012-11-05 12:56

It’s almost lunchtime on Sunday. I’m standing in the middle of the road leading to the Commander in Chief’s Nxamalala crib.

It’s boiling hot. There’s no shade. The road’s new. Lotsa things are at Nxamalala. That’s what happens when the CiC lives in the hood.

There’s no trees yet. I don’t do underwear. There’s a torrent of sweat between my butt cheeks. Uncool.

Things get worse. Helen Zeelah – her Nxamalala name – is ranting at the Babylon. Zeelah wants to exercise oversight.

She’s keen for a close look at the CiC’s love nest. The cops are in the way. They’ve blocked the road with armoured vehicles.

I’m not a fan of the Forces of Evil and Reaction but for once they’ve done the sensible thing.

Behind the Babylon is a mob of the CiC’s groupies. They’re all black, green and yellow.

The CiC’s grinning face is on pretty much everything. They’re toyi-toying; they’re cursing. They’re waving traditional weapons; they’re accusing Zeelah of wanting to shag the CiC.

There’s a nutter with a hunting rifle. Lovely.

I’m grateful there’s a blue wall between the home team and the visitors. If it goes off, the Nxamalala Mad Eleven is taking all three points from the fixture.

Zeelah whips out her Blackberry. The shooters are shooting her shooting the cops.

I taste Saturday night’s Guinness. My guts heave. They’re empty. I can’t puke; I dry retch. Great.

She wants the crowd cleared. The cops refuse to shoot, beat or gas anybody. Not here, not today. Sorry lahnee. For the first time in my life I wanna hug a cop.

This is all my fault. Not the babalas. The circus in the middle of the road.

A couple of weeks ago my man AB and I write this story about the CiC’s pad costing R248 million. Fair enough. That’s what we get paid to do.

Zeelah’s chilling in Cape Town. She buys the City Press. Shock. Horror. How could the CiC do such a thing?

Zeelah does what politicians do. She goes for the easy headlines. One thing leads to another.

The stupidity gains momentum. The rent-a-crowd gets called in. A perfectly beautiful Sunday takes one in the head and two in the chest. I shoulda shredded that shit.

I start getting paranoid. What if the Babylon put two and two together? If they realise I’m the one who screwed up their Sunday they’ll whack me.

Zeelah keeps shooting. She briefs the scribblers. There’s a hedgehog of cameras and microphones.

A muppet whips out before and after pictures of Casa Msholozi. They’re lovely and big. I start to ask why drag us here if you already have such nice pictures. I bite my tongue. Zeelah will kick my ass.

I stumble off to file. My laptop’s miles up the road.

The Croc’s got the car keys. He’s off playing with the crazies. I call in a dictate.

I want fiery chicken tikka, ice cold beer, sweaty sex, weapons grade medicinal marijuana and top flight live football.

With my luck, I’ll get a tepid Coke.

Join the conversation!

24.com encourages commentary submitted via MyNews24. Contributions of 200 words or more will be considered for publication.

We reserve editorial discretion to decide what will be published.
Read our comments policy for guidelines on contributions.

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
0 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Inside News24

 
/World

Book flights

Compare, Book, Fly

Traffic Alerts
Traffic
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.