The do's and don'ts of a friends-with-benefits situation

2014-10-09 18:45

#Trending’s resident sex coach, Jade Zwane, has some advice for those who find themselves in a friends-with-benefits situation

So, here’s the definition of “friends with benefits”, according to the Urban Dictionary: “Typically, two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.”

Now we’ve all known someone in a friends-with-benefits situation. Hell, you may have been in a few yourself.

When you’ve picked someone you trust and respect, and get over the fear of losing your friend “because of sex”, then having a friend with benefits can be a thrilling affair.

The situation is kept between the two of you, with no public displays of affection. You would do well to remember that it’s for a good time and not a long time, and whatever you do, don’t fall in love!

I’m sure all the guys reading this are asking where to sign up. Let’s face it, a non-monogamous, sex-filled and unemotional relationship is appealing to the male psyche.

But it is also becoming appealing to more women. Although sex releases hormones that make you feel like you’re falling in love, women are perfectly able to leave their emotions out of sex.

You are not being used for sex. It is consensual, and there is nothing wrong with giving and receiving pleasure.

Aside from the very obvious benefits of companionship and sex, a friend with benefits can be a space filler while waiting for “the one” to come along.

Some of us are just not interested in relationships at certain times in our lives. We’ve gone from an age where sex before marriage was unheard of to a time of casual sex and one-night stands. People are putting sex on their to-do lists outside of love and formal relationships.

They are realising that sex is important, just like gym and other hobbies are important, and they are doing it for the gratification, not because it is expected of them, like it would be in committed relationships.

When deciding on a potential friend with benefits, be sure to pick someone who is available. He or she must be single and not getting over a bad or emotional split.

Emotional stability is crucial. They must be fun-loving and open-minded. They should be experienced and not from your social circle – and definitely not from work.

Chemistry between the two of you is important. Don’t pick anyone who is clingy. Choose someone you like, but wouldn’t ordinarily date.

Here are a few guidelines to bear in mind when deciding on whether or not to become a friend with benefits:

»?Mutual respect and honesty are a prerequisite for the friendship, with or without the sex.

»?Don’t be apologetic about wanting sex.

»?There are no guarantees. The arrangement could come to an abrupt end should one of the friends meet someone.

»?Be careful it does not mean more than what it is: sex.

»?Do not have sex with your friend if you are looking to be in a relationship.

»?Do not have sex with your friend if you have romantic feelings for him or her.

»?Do not have sex with your friend if you are unable to separate emotions from sex.

»?Relationships and emotions are fluid. Should you develop feelings for your friend, discuss it with him or her before going forward with the arrangement.

I know of two studies that were conducted around this type of relationship.

Only about 10% of the affairs end up as monogamous romantic relationships. Eighty percent of respondents said they felt closer to their friends after a friends-with-benefits relationship had ended, and less than 20% found that the relationship was strained.

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