The rands and sense of our democracy

2015-01-19 14:00

The year has just started and President Jacob Zuma has already provided comedians with jokes for the next six months.

At Christmas, he hoped Jesus would come for a speedy cleansing of our sins or, as he calls this, dropping the charges.

Then, at the ANC birthday gala event last Friday, he told business leaders that democracy was expensive.

We, as one nation, thought the same thing: Yes, it is expensive because we have you, Mr President.

I guess we should have known where this year was going when the ANC decided to hold its birthday party in Cape Town, which is like Manchester United holding its birthday party in Liverpool.

But let us not judge. The comrades collected their refugee passbooks and did a reverse Great Trek down to Zillefontein.

Apparently the city charged them R2.2?million to rent the stadium for the day.

ANC secretary-general Gwede Mantashe said this was so expensive, it was racist, which makes you wonder just how racist the person who charged us R2.8?million for a fire pool must have been? I don’t blame Uncle Gwede. The ANC is 103 years old and he looks like he’s been there since the beginning.

The birthday event seemed like it was a huge success. Transport to the event included 30 trains, 1?000 taxis and 400 buses – and that’s just for the Cabinet ministers.

The only thing that freaks me out is that they never actually seem to cut that massive cake they’re always showing us.

I suspect it’s the same cake at every event because that thing is huge. There are people living in houses smaller than the ANC cake.

It did have “ANC 103” on it, which is what made it awkward when deputy president Uncle Cyril sang: “Happy birthday to you, how old are you now?” It’s on your billboard of a cake, baba. I think there’s a point where senior politicians spend so much time talking, they stop planning where their similes are going.

Like when the president said the ANC is like a mature vintage wine. To be honest, Mr President, some of those national executive committee members look like they matured like umqombothi.

The president also made a speech at the birthday party, where he promised the ANC would “deal with corruption without fear or favour”.

I think I passed out from laughter.

Meanwhile, there are rumblings that some in the opposition DA want to kick out Helen Zille. I doubt this will happen. She’s their Grand Dragon, the patron saint of cycle tracks.

The Economic Freedom Fighters are promising to disrupt the state of the nation address, but it seems they might be too busy writing open letters to their leader, Julius Malema.

Fighters, sometimes these things should just stay on WhatsApp.

@chestermissing is SA’s top political analyst puppet and is a regular on Late Nite News on eNCA

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