Uptown Girl: I see naked people

2011-07-29 13:41

I see naked people walking around like regular people. They don’t see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don’t know they’re naked.

Ok, after liberally stealing that line from that creepy boy from the Sixth Sense movie, I suppose I should explain.
I really do see naked people – even when they are dressed.

I’m not a sex addict. Trust me, I would know if was one (then again, isn’t that what addicts always say when they’re in the first stages of denial?) .

Well, I still insist that I’m not. Rather, I admit to having a slightly more twisted imagination than most people (notice how I slipped in the “slightly” to make myself seem normal?).

Anyhow, I do believe the naked-people images started way back when I had stage fright. For some reason my school teachers thought I would make a great public speaker. I still have no idea why.

So one day, a well-meaning and knowledgeable older buddy who was in Standard 5 (that’s Grade 7 to you young ones) advised me to imagine that everyone else was naked.

I did the imagining thing and I can tell you there was nothing fun about the picture my headmaster and my portly science teacher made as they sat waiting for my speech titled “To be or not to be”. Eeuw.

Fast-forward a few years and a brazen me. The “imagining people naked” thing has stuck and is now an annoying habit. Trust me, I try not to show it but the chances are if you’re talking to me, your ass is buck nekkid.

As I’m writing this, my colleague Percy Mabandu covers his crotch with his jacket. As if that will help him, poor misguided guy.

But hey, lucky for him he doesn’t look as bad as most people I have to imagine.

If you’re struggling to get the picture that’s in my imagination, just think of that dodgy “X-ray” cell-phone game ad where they claim you can see inside anyone’s clothes.

The ad predictably focuses on a woman wearing a dress with the camera lens showing her dressed only in a bra and thong.

I still don’t understand why it can’t be a guy. Plus, I wonder if the underwear is made of anti-X-ray material, because it doesn’t make sense for it to stop at underwear. Pity my X-ray imagination doesn’t know how to censor itself.

Over the years, I’ve found myself in seriously awkward situations, like in church where the whole choir was one big naked mess. And the overly-enthusiastic choir conductor, whose conducting method included jumping around, didn’t help matters.

I had to say a few more Hail Marys just to wash away those images, let alone my sins.

So, one thing I would like to ask anyone who plans to have a chat with me for longer than 10 minutes: Please shave!

And be sure to put a little swing and skip in your step when you walk towards me.

It will help make my view more interesting.

Much appreciated.

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