Uptown Girl: Some man trouble, please

2010-11-25 08:39

Dear Festives,
Since everyone is writing open letters these days, I thought I’d join in – no trend passes me by.

This is the first of a series of requests I’ll be making to you until the holidays start.

The first is: I’d like to have some man trouble, please. No, I don’t want a boyfriend per se. If I can find a way to have the boyfriend problems without the boyfriend, that would be super.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not desperate or anything like that. It’s just that I’m dreading the moment when all my friends and I get together these holidays, with respective partners to have the odd braai or party.

I mean, I can only take my cousin along to parties for so long before it gets tedious. I love my cousin but she’s not going to fetch stuff for me or lovingly top up my glass of (insert name of expensive imported champagne) every time it gets to the half-way mark.

Besides that, what I miss most about having a boyfriend is having the problems that come with it. Now, don’t give my blog that weird side-eye look.

I like the happy times just as much as everyone else, but the make-up sex is worth having a boyfriend for.

I keep fantasising about fighting with my imaginary BF and giving him the cold shoulder for the whole day.

Of course we’ll attend an event together even though I would still give him the silent treatment in the car. My mouth would be too busy singing along to Beyonce’s Single Ladies while he casts bewildered looks at me.

Eventually, we will arrive at the party and I’ll hang with the boys, as I usually do and even make the odd private joke with him.

After a while – and a few bottles of Moët & Chandon (that he bought, of course) – I’ll mellow down and start kissing and cuddling up to him.

This will go on until it’s time to go home. Once we get into the car, he’d expect me to go back to being my sulking self but me being the super-cool girlfriend that I am, I’ll simply start getting down to the lovemaking right there. In the car.

Ok, this fantasy will end right here, dear Festives, while the rest will stay in my head because frankly, my diary might have a problem with me off-loading all these private thoughts on you.

Yours sincerely,
Uptown Girl

PS: If this happens to land on your friend’s computer, please, don’t let them forward an application yet. This heart is closed until further notice.

PPS: How cool is the personalised bottle of Moët that my imaginary guy bought for me?

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