Voting to fix your haemorrhoids

2014-04-07 10:00

Everyone asks me who I’m going to vote for. The problem is, I can’t.

You need an ID book to vote and you need a birth certificate to get an ID book, and as I didn’t come out of anyone’s vajayjay, I can’t vote.

I fulfil my nonvoter anxiety by haranguing the people you people vote for.

So, really, when it comes to voting, I am like a virgin who gives sex advice.

Should you vote, though?

The IEC’s voter registration campaign told us we must vote from a list of sleazeballs, slime buckets and scumbags because we love South Africa.

That’s like saying you must stay healthy, so choose between Fritos, Lunch Bars and Fanta Grape.

If you are really stupid or prejudiced, you might be doing us all a favour by not voting or by staying home and breast-feeding orphans – unless you’re a man, in which case, please don’t do that.

If you’re a thinking person, the reason you vote is because parties and leaders have stances on how they promise us they will fix our problems and you vote for what we all really want?–?more public holidays.

And right now they’ll say just about anything if they think it’s what you want to hear.

It’s only a matter of time before the Freedom Front Plus tells us if it wins, it’ll fight the ANC and fix your haemorrhoids.

Just the other day, the ANC promised the people 6?million “job opportunities”.

How about we don’t vote for them and simply give them voting opportunities?

The DA knows you think this so they march for real jobs?...?as domestic workers and gardeners for DA voters?

The DA believes wealth will trickle down from capitalists. No doubt they also believe in unicorns.

It’s your job to look at what sort of country you want to live in and choose the people whose lies seem most plausible.

So deciding who to vote for has to start with looking at what’s up in South Africa. You can’t go grocery shopping without first looking in the fridge.

You can’t go on a date without stalking them on Facebook first. Okay, maybe that last one only applies to me.

South Africa is doing better than the pessimists in holiday homes in Knysna tell you, but worse than what they tell us in the press releases from Luthuli House (if you have just arrived from space, Luthuli House is the ANC’s intergalactic Death Star headquarters and part-time fire hazard, as well as the DA’s favourite marching destination).

So where are we at as a country? Obviously, that could fill a book. It also fills the comments sections on News24 articles.

For those who believe racism in South Africa is over, go and read the comments on any given News24 article. It’s where all the people who voted “No” in the 1992 referendum to end apartheid go to rant.

It’s like Twitter for Nazis.

The reason Media24 commentators in general are so annoying is because they have historical amnesia, although I don’t think there is any other type of amnesia.

The crazy stuff that goes down in our politics and government only makes sense in a historical context and who you decide to vote for only makes sense if you get why the crazy stuff is going down.

Yes, amigo, I am about to talk about apartheid. Again.

This is an edited extract from Chester Missing’s Guide to the Elections ’14

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