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2015-02-15 15:00

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Thursday evening. I’m sitting on my couch watching Speaker Baleka Mbete wiping her arse with the Constitution of the Republic.

Chairperson of the national council of provinces Thandi Modise passes her the rules of Parliament to finish the job. It’s not a pretty sight.

At least the feed from the House doesn’t show the detail of the heavy-handed treatment the would-be Commander in Chief, Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF) leader Julius Malema, and his fellow fighters are getting while being “assisted” in leaving the premises.

This is not on. Mbete’s been gagging to call in the heavies from the get-go. EFF MP Godrich Gardee has hardly finished saying “point of order” and she tells President Jacob Zuma to sit the f**k down and let her get her job done.

Mbete’s lips are trembling as she rushes through the formalities with the would-be Commander in Chief. She’s so far gone there’s drool running down her chin as she bypasses the Sergeant at Arms in her hurry to get the heavy mob into action.

Mbete is so worked up that she forgets the reason – she’s been told to use – to throw Juju and company out and doesn’t give a shit any more. Whatever.

Mbete’s facial expression sets off a flashback. It’s Easter during my matric year. I’m on a bender with my mates. We’re real muppets. We’ve stripped an XT500 motorbike in the middle of the night, in the middle of the freeway near Toti (Amanzimtoti) in Durban.

Just before the old airport we are caught in a roadblock. Half an hour later we’re in Toti, where the Babylon (police officer) whose bike we’ve stripped is based. The police now have almost the entire bike, only the frame and motor are in the bush where we’ve dumped them.

With or without it, they’ve got a conviction. We’re stupid little bastards, but we know enough to shut up until we can get a lawyer.

That’s not enough for the Babylon. They want the frame and motor – and payback. They take us into the garage and form a circle around us. They turn off the lights and kick the shit out of us.

They get the frame and the motor. We get bail on the Monday – and reduced charges because they left visible injuries. It is what it is.

The flashback passes.

The Commander in Chief is leaning on the podium, all teeth and grins. What rules are you talking about?

The Commander in Chief is loving this. All eager ears, and claps and nods. Members and lapdogs only.

The Grumpy Chief, IFP leader Mangosuthu Buthelezi, mumbles his approval in a bid to get a state funeral. And a rewrite of the history books.

Welcome to the future.

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