When the young & restless toy with the bald & bountiful

2010-01-13 10:26

IN MY quest for a future baby ­daddy, I stumbled upon

Sugardaddyforme.com, a dating site where rich old men and hot young women look

for play partners.

The site caters to old men who “have no time for games” and are

apparently affluent, caring, generous and looking for “someone ­special to

mentor, pamper and spoil”. The women using the site must be “attractive,

ambitious and ­insatiable” and hunting for “a classy, caring mature

partner”.

The female clientele is made up of aspiring models, actresses and

businesswomen – and I am none of the above. But I am looking for a man with more

sense than money for lad magazines’s favourite model, Joelle Kayembe.

I read last month that she wants to “financially strangle” one

Bongani Mbindwane for daring to pay ilobolo for her and then ditching her months

later. This reportedly followed brawls that were preceded by FHM’s token black

model aborting the couple’s 17-week foetus.

The Congolese stunner wants the man she was almost married to for

five months to pay R65 000 a month to keep a roof over her weaved head. She also

wants him to cough up R2 666 for her weave.

There is also the matter of her nails, clothing, entertainment,

DStv subscription and many other inane things amounting to R131 707 per month;

the woman is essentially making her ex pay her for ­being alive. She reasons

that he messed up her down-to-earth living, with ­sugar daddy making her swap

her Clicks vanity case for Gucci and buying groceries at Woolies ­instead of

Pick n Pay.

Her gold-digging credentials are sealed by her demand for an

international forensic audit of his ­assets; she really believes that she is

entitled to half of the estate she played no role in creating.

I assume Mbindwane is a novice sugar daddy because it seems he

forgot to get a tight prenuptial agreement before putting a R289 000 ring on her

finger. In which case aspirant gold-diggers rejoice, there really are men with

more money than sense out there!

Dating websites like ­sugardaddyforme.com, sugardaddybabes.com and

millionairemate.com are the places to go ­hunting for a two-legged ATM.

I especially admire millionairemate.com for having a “wealth

verification system” to help women find the right bank balance.

I think this is where Joelle needs to look for her next golden

ticket, especially as the site can easily hook her up with Joburg-based

­millionaires, apparently all ­“eager” to share the benefits of their fabulous

lifestyle.

I’m sure the sultry bikini babe will have no trouble landing a rich

man to pay the R77 418 her ex is ­demanding in credit card bills and the R189

131 for allegedly damaging his Audi R8.

I find the saga of the model and the chief executive of a mining

­company incredibly riveting, what with its torn Salvatore Ferragamo wedding

dress, the R20 000 she is said to have taken from his car and replaced with a

hospital slip confirming the abortion, and the bling that he wants back from

her.

More than anything, the dramedy has given me an idea: yours ­truly

as an alternative kept woman for the Mbwindwane ATM that is suddenly back on the

market?

I’m not a model, but I have killer legs. I am a tummy tuck and boob

job away from fitting the body type of a kept woman. I have not been gainfully

employed for close to two years so he won’t have to insist that I stop working,

as Joelle claims through her lawyer. I have been ­frequenting Woolies Foods for

years sans a sugar daddy.

I’m also desperately broody so no need to beg me to breed. I do not

buy my hair and nails. I see no point in owning a TV, much less a DStv

subscription. I find Ferragamo too Grace Mugabe for my liking, so no expensive

wedding gown that ends up as money down the drain on my account. Lastly, to

touch on those Heat magazine rumours of his ­indiscretions, I firmly believe

that there is a reason Allah allows a man up to four women.

So holler back, Mister!

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