#randomtweet: An ex-minister’s guide to the galaxy

2010-11-20 14:06

Grab a chair, darling, you look worn. Insomnia much?

I heard about the Prez’s, er, reshuffling. Not quite how you’d describe it, huh?

Et tu, Jacobius?

Hm.

Gasp! Is that your car outside the window? The Toyota Tazz? What happened to your Beemer?

I gather that your psychological outlook on life has changed somewhat since you’re no longer the Minister of Women and other Weaklings, Tax and Communication.

Let’s look at your options, shall we?

1. Retire. Yes, you’re 50. But you won’t be that young forever. The age to enjoy retirement is when you can still get up from your poolside deckchair without leaning on a frame for support. Your previous million-rand salary at the taxpayer’s expense should ensure that you can afford a poolside deckchair, no?

2. Work in the NGO sector. They don’t pay tax. Seriously. So you will not engage in paying the salary of your successor. That punk. Don’t they know how much you have furthered the cause of women and other weaklings, tax and communication? Now that un-hip replacement will get all the glory. Oh, sorry about that, I’m supposed to make you feel hopeful.

3. Move countries. Go to Australia. There are a lot of South Africans there. They’ve even renamed Sydney to Soweto. You’ll be readily accepted. Oh wait, they left the country because of you. Oh, OK, never mind then.

4. You could start a sushi-serving business. Grab a couple of lads and lasses (or is that ladesses?), let them throw off their clothes until Victoria’s secret has been told by Hugo Boss, then lay the bodies on the table. Next, carefully extract the fish from the Koi pond in your garden (white people and their obsession with bringing nature into close proximity), skin ’em, and distribute them on the models’ bodies. Fairly now, don’t give the male models too much fish; remember you were the minister of women and other weaklings, tax and communication. Wow, you should have been the minister of recreation. Now that is the post! But I digress. Remember that sushi needs to be served cold, so rather conduct your business in a storage fridge. And if any of the models complain, tell ’em off. No one asked them to be sushi people!

5. Lastly, you could travel the world. As a stowaway. Yes, the unemployed do not enjoy regular flying. There are challenges, such as being sucked into the jet engine. Look at the bright side, you’ll get a state burial, and if any radio DJs say something nasty about you on Twitter, they’ll end up having lunch with Zizi Kodwa, which is some sort of punishment.

Lotsa luck on your decision! Let me know what you decide to do. But not now. I have a meeting with the former minister of Water Enterprises and Social Works.

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