Best worst movie of the year, complete with stars, bombs and babes

2009-08-17 00:00

LISTEN to me carefully, director Stephen Sommers. I like what you did with The Mummy, but this film must be different. I’m going to watch it on Friday. Come the end of the week, I want to watch things blow up. No drama, no romance, no schmaltzy dialogue … just get the boys to pick up their hi-tech bazookas and aim them at something big. Anything … like the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Yeah, that’s it! Aim the high-powered gun at the thing and smoke it. And then let me revel in the five-minute explosion that ensues. Aaah … yes.

That’s all that I expect from the G.I. Joe genre — no story, no plot, no clever twists … just give me good guys going full-tilt at the bad guys for two hours. If there’s any superfluous dialogue or “acting” that rears its ugly head for anything more than five minutes, the review will be ruthless. So don’t, okay? Just go tequila on the special effects, and go cheesy on the one-liners.

I see Marlon Wayans is set to co-star. He can be the comic relief. Tell him to buff up a bit. Channing Tatum should be good in the lead role …

But keep him simple. He’s a soldier. We don’t need psychoanalysis of the dude, for goodness sake. Just make him look mean and tell him to flex his abs. Dennis Quaid should be fine as the general — just deck him out in some camo-gear and he’ll look just like the G.I. Joe figurine.

And get those chicks in some leather tight gear as well, so we can tick that off the list. Nice. Ag, fine they can have a fling if they want.

Sure, put them with Tatum and Wayans.

Now listen Sommers, if you want to ease the agony for me of sitting through this non-Oscar effort, put a South African in it. Like Arnold Vosloo — you’ve worked with him before. Make him the bad guy again. And leave his Afrikaans accent; I don’t want to hear him trying to sound like a Yank.

Cool. All set? Great. Do all of that and you’ll have directed the best worst movie of the year.

 

 

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