Car-guard Macarena

2007-11-15 00:00

I've an awful confession to make. But first I need to justify myself, as well as appeal for forgiveness. I'm scribbling these thoughts on the back of a supermarket till slip, while sitting in my car in a shopping centre car park. I'm surveying the scene.

I acknowledge that car guards do a jolly good job protecting our vehicles, while helping keep the wolf from the door. For that I'm deeply grateful.

But their mannerisms and obsequious dialogue drive me to dementia. The other day one ingratiatingly rushed up to me and grabbed my parcel out of my hands. I stamped my foot and said that I was perfectly able to carry it myself. I simply will not endure the sacred space of my boot being invaded, nor that of my personal kinesphere.

I swear that some of them have been to drama school. I am watching them now as they flounce and pirouette. I usually survey this in my rear-view mirror when I'm reversing.

My car has a beeper device which is activated if I reverse too closely to an object. The beeper goes ballistic while the serenade behind my vehicle continues, obscuring my vision for a neat exit.

I always tip my car guard, unless I've parked for precisely one minute. After all, my car is alarmed, has flashing lights and teeth that jump out to maul car thieves.

If car guards want to enhance their professional status they should go to Car Guard School, where they can be taught to respond more appropriately; that is to be macho and ultra conspicuous to loitering bad boys, yet subtly inconspicuous to vehicle owners.

After a frenetic day at work, one invariably jams in some shopping before going home. Shopping time is a time to reflect and to tune out, rather than be bombarded by an over-zealous parcel snatcher who does the Macarena in one's rear-view mirror.

I'm wondering if there's someone out there who can print me a T-shirt, which I can don when I go on shopping sprees. This custom-made

T-shirt should read: “Beware: you are now stepping into a low-tolerance car guard zone.”

• Eve Hemming is a local educationist.

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