I am Julius Malema

2010-11-09 00:00

JUST like the Harry Potter franchise can be a gateway to free our inner child, the Internet provides the same function for our inner asshole.

Because I still hold some faith in humanity, I don’t believe people are as mad, bad or sad as they appear online, but any extraterrestrial intelligence, tapping into cyberspace to monitor the Homo sapiens Zeitgeist, could be forgiven for thinking that our planet is entirely populated by assholes who spend most of their waking hours telling other assholes that they’re assholes.

It may have once been marketed as an information superhighway, but thanks to the comfort of anonymity, the intertubes has evolved into a virtual punching bag, a cathartic vomitorium where we don’t so much surf as loiter, wallowing lazily in our own purgation while binging on the emetic effluvia of those we deem beneath us. Fun.

But we transmogrify into a giant human centipede feasting on its own malnourished tail when we log in to social media, so-called because users have to register with a verifiable e-mail address so the cyber-police can trace it if you dun goofed. That’s my theory, anyway. I guess that would make anonymous comments boards and fora antisocial media. Given the contributions that have turned these virtual venues into social sink holes, that sounds about right.

Ideally, Facebook should mostly function as a Filofax of frenemies you only “friended” so you can watch them get fatter every year. Or because they’re hot enough to stalk. It seems to me that most friends on Facebook are like those old keys and odd plastic lids you find at the back of your kitchen drawer that you don’t want to throw away, on the off-chance they might one day prove themselves useful. Yes, Facebook has turned us all into online people-hoarders.

Twitter is mostly like a huge, loud and crowded bar where all your friends can safely ignore everything you say without fear of losing you as a number in their growing personal entourage. It’s a world of followers where everyone feels like a leader, where self-worth is measured in sheeple. Much like on Facebook, you’re practically duty-bound to behave like a super-nice attention whore.

On the whole, social media is just like being on a dating site, except that after putting up with all the vacuous bullshit from total strangers trying to out-happy each other you don’t get to have sex. Not fun.

This is why it’s become a McDonaldised hinterland for soul-sucking demons to ply their wares effortlessly by impersonating people. It’s a no-brainer task, since everyone acts pretty much like an oily used-car salesperson anyway.

So maybe social media needs to stop being so goddamn social. We obviously have a lot of assholic talent in South Africa, if the anonymous action is anything to go by, so it’s a pity that the insane, stupid and just plain spiteful hoards are also mostly cowards who are too scared to so much as provide an e-mail address.

Fortunately, there are exceptions. Me, for example. Then there’s Günther Jurgens Kotzé, the mental Nazi prophet on Facebook; Pigspotter, the self-righteous maverick on Twitter who helps people who hate crime to break the law. And Julius Malema — times 16, and counting.

 

Malema on Twitter

The many Malemas on Twitter prompted the ANCYL to be even more entertaining than usual by releasing a statement threatening to close down Twitter: “We will now approach the relevant authorities to report these hackers [sic] and call for the closer [sic] of twitter [sic] if its administrators are not able to administer reports for violation of basic human rights and integrity”.

In a word, LOL. But before the ANCYL realises its effort to close down Twitter will be about as effective as a one-legged person in an arse-kicking competition, let’s have some fun. Come on, let’s all open a Julius Malema account. And while we’re there, how about doing the same for Helen Zille, Steve Hofmeyr and whatever talentless nosebleed won the last Idols travesty … go mad.

It won’t amount to much, but even a small step towards rescuing social media from its self-imposed banality, while reminding malevolent morons like Malema that they’re not nearly as powerful as they think they are, is a contribution to a better world. — News 24.com

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