I must say …

2009-11-07 00:00

… and what I must say is that there’s always a surprise out of the old dorp. Ex Maritzburgia semper aliquod nova. Now I’ve just got by post a quite nicely designed business card or is it a prospectus from a lady name of Astra Delphina EAMD who interprets tea leaves, studies stars, reads palms, knees and boomps-a-daisy from an upstairs laboratory at the top end of Mahatma Ghandi Boulevard. It says Doctor Delphina is highly qualified, please telephone to make an appointment. Oh yes yes she achieved a Doctorate in Ethnical Alternative Medicine from the Alternative University of Oskaloosa Iowa US of A when she was merely Juffrou Maria Skrikhoender and now she is able to cure almost anything except death with alternative ethnical psychotherapy and small pills made of something which looks like bokdrolletjies and I wonder what happened to that horrible sago and raisin pudding my ma used to make in WW2 days maybe the ingredients have got all used up by the alternative medical profession in the US of A these days, hey?

Please, says this prospectus or is it a curriculum vitae, don’t think that because Doctor Delphina’s address is top end of M Ghandi Boulevard that she is just one of those Third World Uganda witchdoctor sort of people who hand out leaflets in the boulevard saying they can make strong erections and bring good luck in court cases and fix pimples and cause lightning mortally to strike your husband/wife. The doctor works in a white lab coat with a stethoscope and in her laboratory there is only high computer technology and scientific instrumentation, I mean she does tea leaf reading for the English Upper Classes by e-mail they just take a digital photograph inside the cup when they’re done with the cream scones and cake forks and things then they scan this photograph and e-mail it to Pietermaritzburg and get a scanned printout fortune by return within the hour.

Why, she even does by e-mail the tea leaves of Honorary Doctor Iain Palaver, devotee of the late lamented L.“Poepie” van der Post and disciple of a certain Prophet name of Yoong an Australian native person who lives kaalgat in Caddibarrawirracanna with a million gum trees and some kangaroos and certain sticks to rub together for fire to cook the kangaroos since the Prophet doesn’t believe in matches because science is immoral. And while she’s about it she does his stars too esp. Mars which is closer than it’s ever been in recorded history and won’t be as close as this again in 20 000 years and I mean everybody knows Mars is evil and its radiational waves might evilly strike up the Hon Doc’s bottom parts as Satan struck up the bottom parts of Hansie Cronje whilst he was sleeping. When Hon Doc is about to take a shower he takes off all his clothes and weighs himself then sits on his scanner and e-mails the scan to Dr Delphina who scrutinises this scan for signs of radiational roasting also in case evil exotical insects have invaded his person as wattle trees and eucalypts and khakibos and lantana and non-indigenous evil plant species have invaded and are satanically destroying this our otherwise beautiful land down the bottom part of Africa.

Hon Doc must remain in good health see because according to Prophet Yoong’s Aboriginal Sametime Dream Therapy if everybody dreams the same dream like anything and all at the same time then all foreign invasive species will disappear pouf! and the world will be beautiful and moral as of old. Not as old as Gondwanaland or Pangea of course, things were all lumped together and untidy and immoral in those days, let’s make it round about that time when there were no wattles eucalypts khakibos jacarandas bananas tomatoes lettuce monkey-nuts Indians Caucasians Ngunis cows chickens puppydogs and exotical budgies around, only Bushpersons doing art in Drakensberg caves with a whole lot of moral elands dotting the grasslands, and no dagga which comes from Mexico. Hon Doc and certain such thought guardians would be around of course to sort of supervise and squash Argentine ants and creepies trying to sneak in unseen at ground level and that’s where Doctor Dephina fits in.

Hon Doc has a spread in the Drakensberg something like Michael Jackson’s Neverland, see, only it’s called Sametime Dreamland and it’s got no swings and uglies for kids, you can go and stay in a Yoongian chalet there where there are no swings and no failed socialism nor failed capitalism nor sick society and both Doctor Delphina in her lab coat with stethoscope and Hon Doc in gameranger’s uniform with a great big hat will conduct you round and round the hills and squash Argentine ants and learn the philosophy of Dreamtime Holism, apply by email to dreamsametime@caddibarrawirracanna.com for brochure.

Doctor Delphina of course also carries mobile shower and scanning equipment in her solar electrical Winnibago Camper. She is able to offer relief for haemorrhoids using only homeopathical earthworm juice. No animal is harmed in the treatment.

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