In this country it takes all sorts

2011-04-13 00:00

IT’S only Wednesday, but it’s already been a very long week.

Thanks to several stick-wielding men chasing after a plain green jacket, my sleep patterns for the week started on a wonderfully useless note on Sunday.

By Monday night it was even worse as the old body clock finally decided to cave in after 4 am.

It was so bad that I had to stay up and watch Liverpool thump Manchester City by three goals to nil. How on earth that happened I have no idea, but I fear a fair few of the City lads also stayed up late watching the riveting Masters action on the box.

Seriously though, the way that they played on Monday suggests they have no interest in playing in the Champions League.

Having missed out last season, you would think that the City lads would be doing all they could to take three points from Anfield.

Alas, they were Andy Carroll-ed into submission, and now they have a mountain to climb.

They and Spurs seem to be acting like two gentlemen trying not to take the last seat on the bus.

“After you, sir.”

“Oh no, no, but only after you my good man.”

Liverpool yet again showed an appetite to dismantle one of the big boys, but they will have to learn to win the unglamorous ties against the likes of Stoke and Bolton if they plan to get back into European contention.

Theirs is a curious case because even without Steven Gerrard they can make City look ordinary, but then a full-strength team will toil and toil against Wolves. They must be one of the worst teams in sport to support. You just don’t know what you will get.

But having been rather unkind to them over the last few weeks, this armchair pundit must doff his hat at a fine performance on the night.

They certainly seem to have got the better part of the deal when it comes to swapping Fernan-doh! Torres with Andy Carroll and that part-time goalkeeper, full-time striker Luis Saurez.

They should score goals, and given time they may be quite a handful for teams next season.

There I did it, I was nice to Liverpool. And that may well be the last of it.

I tell you, if you want to see men get riled up, dare say a bad word about their football side. This job has its perks, but they didn’t mention grievous bodily harm as one of the side-effects.

Heck, thanks to this column, I have been threatened with everything from chicken bones — with no meat on — to stray jumper cables found in the dark corners of the car park.

Come on, people. It is just a game. Last week, I went to watch the United-Chelsea game with my coloured connections.

And yes, I was the only darkie in the house. Contrary to what Kuli Roberts would have us believe, they were as meek as mice.

But that was just the Chelsea lot. The United supporters were too busy singing the praises of Wayne Rooney, colourful tongue and all.

“We all have to get things off our chest now and then, bra,” I was told. I didn’t argue, though I was tempted to point out that there is getting things off your chest, and then there is verbally abusing the judge at a magistrate’s court in Cape Town.

But I let the temptation pass, sensible darkie that I am.

It is a weird, wonderful country that we live in, and the various cultures that are trying to co-exist only add to the fun.

I have learnt, belatedly, that each race has an “unsafe” sport to talk about, because it may end in misunderstanding.

Don’t do diski with the darkies — especially Pirates fans. They bruise easily.

Rugby with the whities is a treacherous topic, even more so when the Sharks or Boks have lost.

The Indian brigade will not tolerate a bad word about Liverpool or United, but it is too hard to tell which way not to go!

As for my coloured connections, history has taught me that they have an opinion on all matters. Which is great, except that they are always right.

It is what it is. Which is exactly why I watched last night’s game far away from my connections.

It’s always best to argue, and make no chicken bones about it.

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