Life is complex

2013-05-28 00:00

UH dunnuh wuh, says Noëleen, he jus sced of coz. But come on, ducky, say I, even if he is scared of cars that doesn’t mean you’ve got to carry your dog around in a backpack wherever you go, does it?

Nemmarn, says she, he kwart lart. Yes but even if he is quite light, say I, I mean surely he needs a bit of exercise now and then, hey? And what about his mental condition, hey, and his bowels? What if he needs to do a doo-doo? Nuh, says Noëleen, the vet give him a injection for his mental also a laxitative for nart tarm then we sqeeze him in the morneen and he orrart all day. You mean squeeze him like a toothpaste tube? say I. But why not just leave him at home so he can run around with no cars and do his doo-doos on the grass like other dogs? Nuh, says Noëleen, my ma say if Ah go to the shops an a crinimal come to rob me Ah mus kick him in the nuts and warl Ar’m kickeen him Rex wool jump out and bart his legs, lark. I look Rex straight in the eye and he buries his head in the bag. Nemmine, says Noëleen, the crinimals sced of him. Not the criminals I have known, think I to myself, but let it pass. You will make somebody a wonderful wife one day, say I to Noëleen.

Well Noëleen, now, is only 12 years old, but brother Hector is 16 and he’s got a whole lot of pimples and a great big German shepherd dog name of White Fang and White Fang isn’t sced of coz nor anything else on this planet, by God, but he would need a supermarket trolley for transport. He can’t go on a lead, see, because when he does his doo-doos they’re right in the middle of the pavement from choice, irregardless of laxitatives, and God help any law-enforcer who tries to say him nay. And then too, dogs are not allowed at Hector’s school and anyway it’s a whole kilometre from home so his Pa has to drive him to school and fetch him in the afternoon and he never goes anywhere else on foot because certain Nigerians will capture him and sell him to a witchdoctor who will turn him into mooty and dry out his genitalia and grind them up into a powder for rich old Chinese men’s sexual problems.

Of course White Fang goes with Hector and his Pa to school and back. He roams unrestrained inside the 4x4 so if any hijacker tries to seize the keys or grab the bag from Hector’s lap White Fang will take his hand off at the wrist. Also, of course, when Hector­’s Pa gets home there’s a period of danger between inner and outer portcullises when the 4x4 must be totally locked up internally while Pa inside it checks both gates, and if some scabenger has sneaked in behind the vehicle on entry hoping to grab the remote for the inner portcullis so he can rob the house White Fang can be release­d at the press of a button to take off this scabenger’s leg at the buttock.

Hector’s Pa also carries a nine mil Beretta 92 parabellum pistol with a 15-round magazine and one in the chamber, so if the scabenger tries to run away on his remaining leg Pa can shoot him 16 times. In the back yard Hector’s Pa has one of those stands for a printed cardboard picture of a terrorist for target practice, and he shoots at this with his 60 kg-draw crossbow for silence, so other terrorists in the front yard won’t know that this one is dead. And as the bow goes twang White Fang leaps forth and tears up the target plenty small. Just practice for now until it’s a real terrorist.

White Fang also doubles as bodyguard for Ma, who does teacup reading for that famed mystical personage the Hon Doc Ivan Palaver Saviour of the White Rhinoceros, who sends an armed karate driver to fetch her off to his mystical retreat in the Drakensberg so she can read his stars and palm and bellybutton lint.

Also she does top mystics of the English Upper Middle Class who e-mail her scanned photographs of their tea leaves, so things are okay for security except now and then there’s a Zimbabwean type of face at the street security camera who might claim he wants his leaves done but if he’s an imposter White Fang will take off all his limbs but not kill him entirely because he might just be an ordinary Zulu come to read the water meter.

So then. Life is complex, but the whole family has attained a certain kind of calm known as Ubuntu.

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