Looking for a nice time?

2008-02-02 00:00

The concern felt for the happiness of the tourists attending the forthcoming Soccer World Cup appears to be playing tunes on the minds of our leaders. Not all of them of course; weightier matters such as eternal darkness demand their full attention.

But for the parliamentary members of the Arts and Culture Committee, a deep refulgent glow of goodwill emanates from them into the near future. One of their number has suggested that prostitution be legalised for the entire period of the Soccer World Cup. Needless to say, this does rather raise queries about the beautiful game, given that neither rugger nor cricket seemed to require this pleasing addendum. What is it, I wonder, that makes soccer seem to go so naturally with the oldest profession? Could it be the way the sport is managed? Does it imply something about the relationship between soccer and its many, many sponsors? Or might this refer, dare I say, to the on-field dramatics of massively over-priced soccer heroes as they succumb to the agonies of a foul? These are side issues, I grant you: the big thing is the suggestion to suspend the rule of law during the forthcoming carnival of soccer.

Well, comrades, all I can say is go for it. Some trends are impossible to ignore and this proposal fits seamlessly with the de facto legalisation of so many other aspects of criminal life.

Imagine the excitement of the soccer tourists as they arrive at whatever OR Tambo International will be called in 2010. Not only the thrill of the beautiful game, but carefree commercial sex provided by proudly South African professionals. And if that isn’t enough, for those dare-devil thrill seekers there will be the high probability of newly legalised car hijacking.

Consider this little scenario. There you are, a perfectly normal British or maybe even German person in your Arsenal T-shirt, sunblock and shades driving to the city centre in your rented car. But soft! What can this be? A roadblock staffed by uniformed men? Imagine your surprise when you realise it’s all part of the Mardi Gras of newly legalised crime. They’re not cops. They’re hardened Zimbabwean military deserters. And they want your car. And your phone. And your Arsenal T-shirt. And your shades. And your sunblock, assuming you’ve still got some left in the tube.

Being gentlemen they give you a choice. Either get out of the car right now or end up in the boot on a journey to an undeclared destination, which may or may not be the Zimbabwean border. You choose the pavement. As a memento you get a few seconds of pistol whipping, which closes your right eye, slashes your cheek and, for some reason which is hard to understand, reduces you to tears. At this point, a proudly South African sexworker sidles up to you and flashes his or her barcoded licence.

All this fun is just impossible to resist. Hell man, it’s just like bungee jumping, but without the bungee. Roll on 2010.

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