Malema needs to hire a few kids

2010-09-20 00:00

IF I were Julius Malema, I would fire my highly qualified and well-trained speech writers and spokespeople and replace them with a couple of children. Any kind will do.

This is because children come with built-in hypocrisy detectors — finely tuned radar that make loud complaining noises at the first sign of any inconsistency.

We have found our kids’ hypocrisy detectors to be endlessly helpful in our home: “Joah, don’t speak with food in your mouth.”

“But Mom you had to push your rice to the side of your mouth in order to tell me that.”

Of course, Malema needn’t listen to them all the time, but at the very least he could run his speeches past them.

“Hmm, I would take out that bit about being a champion of the poor, you do own a R250 000 watch.”

“And this point of yours might beg the question why you can live in Sandton and discuss the issues of poor Zimbabwe, but not expect others who work in Sandton to do the same.”

“Oh and, definitely, when you tell your people that they must only have one girlfriend, some of them might ask why the head of your party has a number of partners.”

It is painful when your children point out that you have just shouted at them to love each other or that you have just tripped over your own pile of clothes, while telling them to pick up theirs. But in the long run, I’d rather have my hypocrisy exposed in a safe place, than in the papers.

A number of children on Malema’s staff could save him endless amounts of public abuse — scathing articles, mocking cartoons and frequently viewed YouTube clips. They would make sure that his claims were true and his values consistent. They could even help him come up with finer excuses and wiser responses. “Here you behave or else you jump,” doesn’t work so well on kids, when you are beginning to lose an argument. And neither does, “This is not a playground. This is not a beerhall ... this is my house.”

Although I am tempted to try his spokesperson’s latest excuse: that the one girlfriend, one boyfriend policy has nothing to do with the president, but is aimed at discouraging multiple sexual partners among the youth.

Now that argument might work with our kids: it’s not okay for you guys to speak with food in your mouth, because you are young, but old people can do anything.

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