‘Voetsek’

2011-03-19 00:00

SO the dogs of war roam the desert once more. Different warriors, same old dogs. Old toppies remember being taken prisoner by Rommel at Benghazi, others remember avenging Tobruk, all sigh, they haven’t got round to understanding WW2 yet, such a pity there aren’t any WikiLeaks­ about those days, innit? The deeper hypocrisies of 1939 are still classified and shall forever be so, you betcha, things recorded on bits of paper and buried in cardboard boxes in bomb-proof bunkers 20 metres­ underground in furtive places. Let’s see Julian Assange get at that lot, hey fellers?

True hypocrisy is a great old skill, but you also have to understand the art of body language to manage it, an apprentice should study the old masters. There’s the technique of Maestro Bush for you, who would purse up his lips like a navel orange as if maybe to kiss you, which God forbid, only it wasn’t for kissing, it was for pretending he had no teeth so nobody could say he was lying in them. Then there was the tooth-technique of Maestro Blair who had 64 teeth while the rest of us have only 32 and he would expose every one of them, no dental plates, no fillings, no lies, only sincerity, you could see the very enamel glistening sincerity.

So what technique can Sec of State Hillary use in the Mid-east now that all the back-room jiggery-pokerists of the New American Globalised Economic Empire are clean out of ideas? Only last year she would purse up her lips like a mouse’s earhole to lament the lack of human rights in China, and in N. Korea too, all those left-over evil regimes of the Cold War, and now she’s once more pursed up these same lips, but she doesn’t know what the bloody hell to say when folks ask her why the forces of American virtue didn’t do anything about human rights in Egypt 32 years ago. What to say about those seedy Arab kings, some possessed of limitless oil and vulgar architecture, others with no oil just a whole lot of sand and camels and limitless jaded old British colonial culture, whose kids go to Eton for education­, forsooth? What to say indeed about the whole range of insolent Mid-east and Mediterranean tyrants who were so eagerly embraced by good ol’ Uncle Sam in those dark unscrupulous days? Those thieves of their nations’ wealth for over half a century, excepting of course the tyrants of Libya and Syria, who were so insolent as to declare U.S. tyranny as more tyrannical than their own. And what to say about Uncle Sam’s tame tyrants getting armed to their teeth with the world’s most devastating weaponry, the v. best devastating weaponry their uncle had for sale, and signing an accord with him and his proxy Israel that they would all three look after each other evermore, and if ever things turned really nasty they would have guaranteed shelter under their uncle’s umbrella of 1 600 weapons of unimaginable mass destruction. Those unlucky tyrants with neither oil nor money could sommer ask Uncle Sam for some dollars and he would give them like two billion a year so they could buy some supplementary WMDs.

Never say voetsek to a dog of war, nor gooi it with klippers. Dogs of war do not become puppies of peace just because you have kicked your enemies around in the desert and imposed on them some cockeyed democracy of your own devising. A dog of war is a megalodont XXX-outsize Pit Bull beast with a mouth unlike a Great White’s, which is nice and cavernous so you can see where you’re going; a dog-of-war entrance is all squashy and slippery with no discernible hole, a big pink duvet of flesh with white tungsten-carbide teeth down the sides for slicing off swallow-size bits of one’s personal meat. The parson’s nose and wishbone you can send home in a body bag. Turn your back on a dog of war and it will bite off both your buttocks in two-twos and all the musculature of both legs so you can’t run away. Our Hillary knows this, she’s a tough daughterofabitch, she has Iraq in mind, she perceives Iraq straight, bru, but she can’t say so, see? Never mind all that crap about United Nations and Nato, she knows Iraq was Dubya Bush’s war and U.S. soldier-boys will never turn their backs and leave. Sure, many will go as far as the Ramstein base in Germany, whence a telephone call from Baghdad will have them all back next day. So are we going to have another Iraq in North Africa-Arabia?

Silly Billy, of course not! We are going to let everybody have free elections without interference. But ummm... hang on! When they are all decent democracies they will have no need of bribe money and military alliances to protect their crooked systems, will they? Egypt will open all its borders as civilised democracies do, including the one at Gaza. Then the Israeli Defence Force will be obliged to attack this border, a new Palestinian war. The wogs will get minced up plenty small like Hamburg steaks or even Hiroshima steaks with that quadrillion-dollar riveted-welded grinding-deafening-blinding depleted-uranium mach-2-titanium atomic-powered-floating-flying armageddon bunker-busting-smashing steel stuff of the U.S.-Israel alliance, and to hell with explanations. Wogs don’t like us anyway.

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