Beyond Borders

Porn (and sex) in the USA

2011-01-14 08:25
Jean Barker is currently studying in the US. (Photo by Alex Griffin)

Jean Barker is currently studying in the US. (Photo by Alex Griffin)

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Jean Barker

When I first arrived in the USA there were sizzling men wherever I looked. I didn't know what to do with myself.

Why were these American men having this startling effect on me? There was nothing obviously hot about them. Many of them even wore socks and shorts as the same time, just like German tourists do in South Africa.

But I soon realised what was kicking my libido into overdrive. I was lying in my motel room one night, innocently watching the endless stream of adverts for adult diapers and 55+ gym memberships on late night TV when I got an unexpected phone call.

"Yallouw?" (hello) I said, in my seksiest Souf African accent.

My secret admirer replied, in his much, much sexier American accent: "I wanna come over and **** your *****."

Overcome with shyness, I slammed the phone down.

Excited

But I was excited at what he had chosen to offer. This could only bode well - and according to a recent American Sex Survey, it did. "Almost 69%" of US men go down on their partners - by my calculation that's about 187 132 000 men giving the alphabet a shot. Of those billions, at least one guy who knows what he's doing must live in California somewhere.

My thinking also went like this: If the sex pests are this generous over the telephone, imagine a date with a real American man!

The phone sex guy - let's just call him Billy - must have misinterpreted my silence for a lack of interest in what he'd proposed, because when he called back the next night, he suggested something different - another popular heterosexual pastime that may be the reason all USA's hot water bottles come with a fitting designed for performing your own enema.

I said no. Billy was so offended that he didn't even bother calling again.

Nevertheless, the whole experience was enough to interest me in doing my own amateur, qualitative study of the American sexual psyche. Sure, you can tell a lot about society by the way people treat their animals. But it's much more entertaining to judge a society's mental health by its attitude to sex.

The oddest thing

America's a mess of contradictions. A country where even the most conservative teenager in a no-sex-before-marriage-at-13 religious cult can easily click "I'm 18" on Tube8 and stream free gay interracial DPBDSM. I suspect this is why even the most sexually innocent guy tends to have a startlingly advanced "Sex lexicon" (sexicon). They may not know how to "do it", but I'm pretty sure they'd know all the vocab required to order it in a restaurant.

Which brings me to the strangest thing about the USA's sexual landscape.

For me, the oddest thing about America's sex life is not the startling variety of sexual preferences that are commercially accommodated. It's not the weird ways people clean the parts they use when they perform their favourite acts. It's not even their bizarre erotic fascination with foreign accents less sexy than their own (Ja boet, you'll have them at "Yallouw").

No, what is weirdest for me is the American male's ongoing battle to decide what they want more: Hot, greasy women - or hot greasy cow and chicken and pork meat.

Research

As part of my quest for further knowledge of this conundrum, I accidentally-on-purpose wound up on the Hooters website. Hooters is a real world chain of restaurants aimed at males. It offers the two things American men appear to desire: 1. Lots of food. 2. Hot chicks with big tits in small clothes.

Note - not naked. Just nearly. Here in the USA the pervacious male types seem willing to settle for less actual nudity, provided they can load up on calories while skinny women their daughters' age dressed in tight clothing serve them breast-enhancing hormones in language loaded with sexual innuendo. I'm not sure why they're like this. Maybe when they want the real thing, they head over the border to Mexico for a Donkey Show and some tacos. Or maybe not.

"That's the biggest burger I've ever seen! It's huge!" says the babe in the Hooter's site's frontpage flash video. "Much, much more than a mouthful" I guess the more deep-fried gunk guys eat, the more likely it is they'll need to pay chicks to talk to them like that. Many relatively young American men are so overweight they'd have to lie down to really benefit from a lap dance.

Quite a combination

On the plus size side, what could be better than a race of men who enjoy eating - and women? That's really quite a combination.

And the good news just keeps on coming: You can buy Hooters gear for your daughter. Or an "I Heart Hooters" bib for your baby. And then, presumably, just wait for her to er... grow into it. Little Annie'll be putting herself through college in no time.

Ah, America, the beautiful indeed. Just when you think you’re used to it, it whuppasses you with its weirdness all over again. No wonder I - a homesick South African - feel so damn comfortable over here.

- Jean is studying to be a famous screenwriter you've never heard of in California, USA. She tweets as @jeanbarker and blogs pictures of signs and more, here.

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