Airports' greatest mysteries

2008-09-15 11:10

Chris Moerdyk

Trying to understand how the travel industry operates is a fruitless pursuit at the best of times and when it comes to airports and airlines the only reward I get for trying to fathom how they work is a blinding headache.

For instance:

How is the "brace" position going to help you when you fly into a mountainside at 800km/h?

Why do we need instructions on how to use a lifebelt when flying between Johannesburg and Kimberley when the only water we fly over is in a swimming pools in Benoni?

Seriously though...

Why do our domestic airlines and those flying out of South Africa seem to hate giving anyone a pre-booked seat? (All the major airlines in the USA allow you to choose a seat when you book the ticket. What do they know that our people don't?)

Why do travel agents never ever offer to pre-book an airline seat for you? Maybe the desperate, suicidal look on their faces when you ask is a clue to the answer.

Why does 1time, for example, only allow people who DON'T have baggage to check in, to pre-book their seats in advance online while all those poor sods who have to take a suitcase with them have to wait and take their chances on a decent seat when they physically check-in at the airport?

Why is it that those airlines that allow you to check in and choose a seat no earlier than 24 hours before departure, have no decent seats available when you try and check in online exactly 24 hours to the second before your departure time? How come every other passenger but you managed to pre-book a seat without having to wait until 24 hours before the time?

Why are our airports designed with precious few lifts and masses of escalators on which you are not allowed to push luggage trolleys?

How come everyone else seems to get the upgrades?

Why it it that when you check in as a family, airlines seem to take a perverse pleasure in putting everyone in seats miles apart.

Why is it that two suitcases checked in together come out onto the baggage carousel so far apart?

Why is my suitcase always the last to come out?

Who was the bright spark at SAA who insisted that cabin crew on international flights should wait until passengers have finally got to sleep and then wake them up to ask if they want anything from duty free?

Why do airlines always book really fat people into the middle seat?

Why is the size of every fold-town table in economy class almost exactly 25% smaller than the combined size of the food tray, a serviette and a glass?

Why is it that person next you always gets to have sole use of the armrest?

Why does the person in front of you always get to sit next to someone charming while you always get the guy who is overweight, burps a lot an had too much garlic for lunch?

Why is it that it takes the cabin crew 15 minutes to deliver food trays to the entire economy class and it takes you ten minutes to eat it, then it takes them about an hour before they come and clear it away?

Why is it that there are 50 check-in desks at an airport but only one pre-check-in security point?

Why it is that at most airports, seven years after 9/11 and all that increased security, they still haven't been able to organise themselves to do away with those long, long, queues at security checkpoints.

Why is it that most airports just can't seem to get the check-in process refined to the point where it isn't complete chaos at peak times? How many decades do they need to practice?

Why is it that whenever you are in a hurry the aircraft always lands on the most remote runway and then parks in the most remote parking place with the result that you have to use a bus to get to the terminal?

Why is it that when you are waiting to collect a passenger from domestic or international arrivals, airports are all absolutely paranoid about the possibility of you being able to see them in the baggage collection hall? They paint over glass doors and put all sorts of barricades in to make sure you can't see any arriving passenger. It all seems so damn childish.

Why is it that wherever you want to go in an airport it always means walking from one side to the other or going from the lowest floor to the highest? Is it because people who design airports are inherently nasty and cruel?

Why is airport parking the most expensive in the world?

Why it is that in spite of airports companies building more and more and more parking garages, there are still never enough parking spaces?

Why is it that when you are late, there are NEVER any parking places at airports?

Why is it that travelling by air just isn't fun anymore?

I am sure there are dozens of other great mysteries of airports and airlines and I'd love to hear about them. I had thought of writing a book but I think it would be too heavy to carry.

Send your comments to Chris.

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