Now listen here, you selfish bastards

2011-10-31 10:12

I was listening to a radio talk show a few days ago about the census and how some callers were banging on about not wanting to be counted while others were doing little verbal leaps of joy saying what a wonderful time they had being counted.

Then a fellow called Colin came on and man, was he angry. He said he was damned if he was going to be counted or asked what race he was and how much money he earned because the government, in his opinion, was corrupt, inefficient and generally useless.

There was no stopping Colin because when he had exhausted himself of reasons why he was not going to be counted come hell or high water, he said that he had stopped paying any taxes for the same reason that the government was corrupt, inefficient and generally useless.

Now, being someone who believes in free speech and of everyone's right to choose, a number of thoughts crossed my mind. The first was that Colin should check his underwear because I was convinced his pants were full of army ants. On second thoughts, I figured that if Colin chose to turn himself into a criminal by not paying tax or being counted, well that was fine by me because it had nothing to do with me. I am not Colin's keeper.

But then, it suddenly dawned on me that if Colin didn't pay his taxes, government would hardly just say "oh, well we have just made a bit of a loss, let's take it on the chin and move on."  What government would most certainly say is: "OK, now where can we make up that shortfall?"

And they would simply get more tax from those poor sods, who unlike Colin, have PAYE deducted from their pay-packets and don't have the choice of paying or not paying their taxes.

So, I thought "Colin, you selfish bastard."

Then, I thought of about a lunchtime conversation I had only last weekend where a number of youngsters were talking about how they managed to dodge the roadblocks after a night in the pub, club, wedding, Bar Mitzvah, 21st birthday party, Christening or braai.

At first I was intrigued by their immense creativity, but then it suddenly dawned on me that I could have been among those women who were mowed down by that drunk driver in Midrand last week. I could be have been that pedestrian who was mangled by a car driven by a drunk driver in our neck of the woods last month.

My children or grandchildren could have been killed by two drunken idiots dicing their souped up Golf's through the suburbs.

So, I thought about those youngsters at lunch last week and next time I see them I will grab the smallest one by the lapels and say: "You selfish bastard - you're going to kill someone if you keep drinking and driving and that someone could be me or him" (I will say, pointing to the biggest of the youngsters, hoping that he will be suitably offended to be on my side and not just punch my lights out.)

I spent another hour pacing up and down my study thinking about all the other selfish bastards there were whose actions cause, or could cause, innocent people so much grief and trauma.

Then it occurred to be that I am also a selfish bastard. Because every now and then I will drive through a traffic light when it actually just turned red but still has a bit of a yellow tinge; I will not bother to pull over and just answer my cell phone, fully intending to pull over or cut the conversation short but actually yakking on for ten minutes; I will also drive back from a wedding, Bar Mitzvah, braai, Christening or pub, fully convinced that I only had two glasses of wine but fully conscious of the fact that the damn  waiter kept filling my glass  whenever I took a sip and that actually I had probably knocked back five glasses.

So yes, I am a selfish bastard.

But, I am going to stop.

From now on I am simply not going to drink and drive. No, not just have the legal two glasses of wine but absolutely no alcohol whatsoever if I'm driving. I'm not going to answer my cellphone - in fact I've already had a hands-free fitted. There, I have said it in front of a million News24.com readers on the full understanding that if I get nailed for driving under the influence anytime soon, I will not only be a selfish bastard but a million people will shove this column  down my throat.

I really don't want anyone to be able to point at me and call me a selfish bastard for killing their child/uncle/wife/grandfather/dog. That's the sort of thing that ruins your life forever. And all for the sake on a drink or a cellphone conversation. Logic tells me it's actually not worth it. I have also just discovered by the way, that non-alcoholic cocktails actually taste exactly the same as those with alcohol in them. The only difference is one doesn't turn you into a selfish bastard.

So, I am done with drinking and driving, cellphone stupidity and trying to beat red robots. Anyone care to join me?

Put it this way, if you don't you will automatically be a selfish bastard.

Now that's not going to look good on your CV is it?

- Follow Chris on Twitter.

Send your comments to Chris

Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.

- News24