Viva the Vuvuzela

2009-06-22 08:42

Bafana Bafana will win next year's World Cup hands down by a mile, because I have this cunning plan involving the use of South Africa's most powerful cultural weapon of mass distraction.

Viva the Vuvuzela, Viva!

Forget the Mexican wave, let's start practicing the Vuvusela Tsunami.

What got me going on this was Spain's Xabi Alonso who said they should be banned, then a whole lot of overseas soccer fans and a bunch of European TV stations complained that the Vuvuzelas were ruining everything.  

Thankfully, South Africa's favourite sugar-daddy, Sepp Blatter, stepped in a said that Fifa wouldn't ban the Vuvuzela. Viva Sepp, you biscuit!  You're da man. Viva the Vuvuzela, viva!  

So, what's the marketing strategy for 2010?  How are we going to use the Vuvuzela to ensure victory for Bafana?

Simple.

Angry elephants

First of all, what a lot of foreign players and their fans don't know is that the noise created by the Vuvuzelas at the Confed Cup games was nothing. Chickenfeed compared with what could happen in 2010. After all, the Confed Cup stadia were half empty which meant that the Vuvuzela power was generally at about the same level as Eskom during a nationwide power outage.

Right now, they sound like a swarm of angry bees but what we need to do is lift our Vuvuzela game to the sound of a herd of angry elephants that have just been given gigantic enemas of turpentine and chilli. The sort of sound suggesting that certain death is only a breath or two away.     

But, reaching the sort of level that will have all the 2010 teams barring Bafana completely distracted, confused and scoring own goals right left and centre, will not be easy to achieve. It will need dedication, practice, loyalty and a will to win.    

It will also need Parliament to draft legislation very quickly making it mandatory for every South African citizen attending a 2010 game in which Bafana are playing, to buy a Vuvuzela.

Secondly, a National Vuvuzela Academy of Music and Incredibly Loud Noises should be established and government should subsidise lessons for all soccer fans in mastering the Vuvuzela.

Local and overseas opera divas and wind-instrument maestros from the world’s greatest orchestras need to be hired to staff the Academy and teach Bafana fans how to maximise their lung capacity.

All South African soccer fans should be required by law to give up smoking from Jan 1, 2010 in order to increase their blowing power.

Vuvuzela clubs should be formed to get fans to be able to blow in unison and to be able to adjust their pitch from sounding like a swarm of bees to increase in crescendo to what will sound like that breeding herd of thoroughly pissed off elephants.

Sign language

Then, Bafana Bafana needs to attend a series of secret training camps where they will learn sign language so that they can communicate with each other on the field. They will also have to undergo aural-transformation therapy to ensure that they develop sound deadening "cauliflower ears". Just like rugby players except on the inside.  

Of course, there have been quite a number of fuddy-duddy South Africans who have joined the chorus to have the Vuvuzela banned. An intense advertising campaign should be aimed at them with headlines reading something like; "If you don't like Vuvuzelas, get over it" or "If you don't like Vuvuzelas, stick to ping pong you wimps."

I reckon the noise generated by Vuvuzelas at the Confed Cup is probably only about 6% of the potential.  

And if  that has distracted the opposition then imagine what a full-blown 100%, continuous 90 minute blast from 50 000 massed Vuvuzelas would do?

Bafana Bafana would win the 2010 World Cup hands down.

And the world will get to know very quickly that Africa is not for sissies.  

Send your comments to Chris

Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.