Chris Moerdyk

Why are jeans only made for tall bulimic women and tiny men with no testicles?

2011-12-27 08:08

Yes, I know it’s the season of goodwill, good cheer and a time for all mankind to be happy and hug each other but my message this festive season is directed at the people who design jeans and the really strange buyers who work for the big department stores who order them.

Very simply, my message of goodwill is that I hope you all wake up soon from your eternal slumber and that one day you can all join the rest of we mortals back here on our home planet.

What about the normal people?

I pass on this message on behalf of women generally, because I have not yet met one who has found it easy to buy a pair of jeans. Having said that, I don’t get to meet those tall, super-slim fashion models for whom I am convinced all jeans are made.

Other women, normal women, don’t seem to have a hope of finding anything that fits.

I can believe this because I am a fairly normal sized male and whenever I mention in company that I find it difficult to track down a pair of jeans that actually fit me, every woman within a thousand kilometre radius tells me that I have no idea of the problem that women have finding jeans.

I perpetually wonder at the people who do the buying for the big stores. Every year it’s the same thing.

I go in to buy myself a pair of jeans or chinos, shorts, you name it, and of the 50 or so types that I want only one or two are vaguely in my size. And always the wrong colour. The remaining 48 are either “small”  (a size usually designed to fit midgets with Kwashiorkor) or XXXXXL. I am always told that they are sold out but I really don’t buy that argument. 


Because, whenever there is a big sale, it’s always the small and XXXXL that are on the racks and never any remotely normal size.

This is a phenomenon that has been going on for decades and I have to wonder when some clothing buyer somewhere will actually realise that the majority of people are not kwashiorkor sufferers or the size of ten elephants.

Of course, it could be that most clothing – like jeans for example – is made for teenagers and that’s the reason why anyone over the age of 25 – male or female - can’t find anything that fits.

Maybe it’s just me being old fashioned and not really wanting to wear anything with the waist around my knees and my underpants sticking out of the top. And I guess most women over the age of 25 aren’t crazy about having jeans that are so tight the veins on their bottoms look like dried up riverbeds on mars.

Now, I suppose there might be a few readers who wonder why on earth I should choose such an apparently silly subject like this as a column for post Boxing Day.

Well, it is the silly season. It is also one week away from New Year’s Day on which people make resolutions. So, I figured that maybe, just maybe, some clothing buyers somewhere will read this and make a resolution to think before buying jeans exclusively for two-metre tall bulimic women and tiny little men with no testicles.


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