David Moseley

79.3% closer to a failed state

2012-11-20 08:52

David Moseley

These are worrying times for all South Africans. Protests, alleged presidential pilfering and the current incomprehensible storyline on Isidingo plague the nation. It's time, then, to look at some future scenarios to determine whether we move out of the suburbs or simply build higher walls.

Like the venerable Mr Clem always says, if you act like a fox you need to run through the bushes a lot quicker than the hunter, otherwise the beagles will bite your tail off. He's not wrong, you know. There's nothing worse than a nip in the bum.

The situation in South Africa is increasingly dire. Just this past weekend my local Pick 'n Pay ran out of marinated ribs. Like some third-world scavenger, I was forced to forage for plain ribs and purchase my own sauce. That's one red flag. Another red flag is the amount of time the queues at Woolworths are taking to get to the till. It's just too long.

Flags are the best way to determine the likelihood of a failed state. They're easy to use, colour-coordinated and can be hung from just about any property.

For instance, a green flag signals a 10% chance of a failed state occurring. Situations like being forced to drink bottled water at your beachside holiday home can lead to the raising of a green flag.

A yellow flag scenario, represented by a lack of cellphone reception and no internet on a smartphone, raises the possibility of a failed state to 11.2%.

Red flags, though, are the most series indicators. Red flag situations include buying your child a Citi Golf instead of a Golf Gti for a first car, or having to shop at Checkers because your local Woolies just closed for refurbishment.

Danger, danger

We know that two red flags mean danger for the country, while a white flag with a shark on it indicates the presence of a shark in the bay. This is the worst time to go surfing.

All these flags combined could make a nice quilt, or see South Africa drop out of the premier league of countries. If that were to happen, our DStv would be taken away and the nation would be forced to watch SABC 2 on a constant loop. Barack Obama, though, would probably come visit us then, out of pity more than anything else.

The warning signs are all there. But South Africa is also full of people who can think like a fox, and clever foxes know that to survive in the second division of the third word you simply need a Kung Fu Panda by your side.

The 79.3% chance of South Africa becoming a failed state is scientific and exact. All research was done on Twitter and Facebook where everyone knows exactly what is wrong with the country and has the solutions required. Further, if the Springboks don't manage to score four tries in every match next year, the percentage will jump to 84.

But really, to decide how you react to the situation in South Africa you need to first know what kind of animal you are. A fox will plan ahead, and ensure that the purple passport is valid and ready to be deployed. A lion will just sit around and lick his balls.

*Dear Mr Sunter, please don't take this personally. I'm a big fan of your columns and insight. Love, Dave.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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