David Moseley

ANC wins back Western Cape

2012-06-12 11:30

David Moseley

Helen should have known better. When a naked time traveller pulled up outside her home in a fabulous yet failed 80s sports car threatening to arrest her for future crimes of fashion, she should have run.

But that’s not her style. She offered to help. And now she’s trapped, journeying through historical limbo in a time continuum splitting phone booth with two dopes proclaiming "excellent" every time they witness a moment in history.

And the rest of us? Well, Marius Fransman got his wish, and the ANC was able to win back the Western Cape – "just by talking to farm workers and Muslims" - he promises, no dirty tricks involving sentient time travelling machines. Honest.

Bizarrely, though, the new ruling party is not overly ecstatic with its latest acquisition. The president, having moved his digs to Cape Town, now finds that he has to fly his wives to Joburg first before they can go shopping in London.

Meanwhile, Gauteng, Limpopo and the Eastern Cape, left to their own devices, thrive as well-run regions. Little or no government interference has allowed roads to be repaired, stock markets to stabilise and schools to be built.

With the ANC celebrating non-stop for three years at the mysterious disappearance of Helen, the major provinces of the country have been able to regroup and structure themselves as institutions that create jobs and look after their citizens. "It’s remarkable, " says a benefactor of this ‘new’ all-inclusive governance, "there are no Mercedes Benz jeeps driving around, no lavish mansions being constructed, just new schools, health care facilities and the road works, oh my, I haven’t seen a pothole in 18 months."

A new Cape

Meanwhile, Mr Fransman, after "reaching out" to the coloured community and "recognising" the 1.3 million Muslims in the province, is now confused by their demands. "I went to the farms and the mosques, but now everyone keeps asking me to repair plumbing problems and to erect electricity pylons. That’s not my job. Someone else must do it."

Tony Ehrenreich is not happy, either. He’s set up campsites on Rondebosch Common and at least three Constantia wine farms, but with local whitey residents having long fled the "swart gevaar" to the high walls of Morningside, he’s got no one to argue with. Tony, looking for a fight, or the very least, a previous regime to blame, is now considering taking his Land Reform Army to Sandton.

"For too long those shops have been divisive and exclusive, denying ordinary South Africans the right to Breitling watches and Swarovski studded coffee mugs. We have Cape Town now, and even though we don’t know what to do with it, it’s time to focus again on Joburg. Ever since we left the Gauteng people have been enjoying themselves way too much. We need to take up arms, battle back across the Orange River and show people that we are serious about being serious. Seriously."

Since taking control in Cape Town, closing down SAA’s direct international routes and allowing the ANCYL to expel foreign investors, the ANC can’t figure out why the province is failing and the rest of the country is booming. "You know, it’s that bladdy Tony Leon’s fault," says an unnamed government source. "He buggered off to Argentina and left Helen here. All she cares about is that daft bike ride. It’s her fault that the airport has closed and that the Germans now go to Port Elizabeth for their wooden giraffes. We’ve tried to get a few tourists out to Robben Island, but we haven’t been able to get the ferries working for the last three years."

Good riddance

While the ANC remains chuffed with the running (into the ground) of the Western Cape, some in power can’t help but feel there’s been a monumental cock-up along the way. "We’ve tried our best to be divisive, to keep the race groups apart and at each other’s throats at the same time," says a dissatisfied government worker, "but Capetonians are weird, man. They just mooch around all day drinking coffee, lurking at the beach, or demanding that Gio Aplon start for the Springboks. These people are crazy."

However, one new development from the Brett Murray-hating Western Cape ANC government has been applauded. Said a local city dweller: "I'm aware ANC members are not art lovers. And for that I'm truly grateful. If they do nothing else in Cape Town, at least they've got rid of that fucking awful Bart Simpson statue on St George's Mall. In apocalyptic futures like this, it's the little victories that count."

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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