David Moseley

Be average

2013-07-11 07:48

David Moseley

Everywhere you look you're told you can "have this life", go on "this dream holiday", own this "incredible home", have "superstar sex" or "look like a chiselled action hero".

Your life is basically not worth living unless you're able to save Scrooge McDuck, cycle like a Tour de France participant, entrepreneur yourself to billions like a mythical, modern Richard Branson or shag like an imaginary stud who has never shagged like that in his life.

All the modern advice that's thrown into the air and left to settle on our heads like cursed fairy-dust, allowing us not to simply fly like Peter Pan, but to rather soar to the heavens with the rest of the "aspirational" crowd, is designed to make us the best that we can be. Forget about survival, chum. You're here to dominate. To master the universe.

Study this. Eat that. Invest here. Work your quads. Lick her bum to drive her wild. Tickle his balls for the best erection of his life. Do more sit-ups. Get ahead in business. Be your own boss. Make money. Be the best. Pressure. Succeed. Win. Win. Win for fucksakes! Be a winner! Take life by the balls and win at it!

It's exhausting, isn't it. Yet somehow that's become the way forward. No iPad? Why, what's wrong, you cretinous loser? Do you hate being connected 24/7? Ha ha. Shame for you. You're not a winner. I'm a winner because I get e-mail at 3am. I can read News24, e-mail, Skype and whatsapp while taking a dump at 11:34am. No time is lost. I am beating life to a pulp. Winner!

I’d hate to be a student now. I can only imagine how "aspirational values" - something that some marketing or magazine hack came up with when they realised people were too stupid to care - are hammered into kids. You must succeed at school, Johnny, or you'll be forced to work in media! Do more sums, Johnny! Get that Super Rugby contract, Johnny.

Okay, I supposed kids have always been coerced into caring by their under-achieving parents. But adults? You lot are falling for it. Do you really want to "Shag her six ways from Sunday for 37 hours straight?" Christ. Not a chance. You probably just fancy a nap, don't you?

Do you really want to work 25/7-and-a-half just so that you can visit your Knysna holiday house once every five years? Didn't think so.

The answer, over-achievers, is to be average. Hey, a boep. Nice work, Mr Average. And so close to your wedding too. I like your style. You drive a Nissan and own two Scotty dogs and live in Pinelands? Nice work, bro. Keep it up. Be chilled. Be nowhere. Get by.

Me? I love sitting on the couch and reading. I could do it all day every day. But I need to work, so I do. I need a hobby, so I have one. I run. I cycle. But God it's a pain in the ass trying to keep up. Get new shoes, get a better bike. Buy a brighter light so you can ride in the dark and beat your cycling friends to the top of the hill.

Make money! Live! Be a better person because your clothes are the best. The best, goddammit. And nothing else. Nothing else matters. Just getting to the top.

Screw that. What floor is the middle on? I'll get off there.  

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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