Fellow whites, hide your cheese!

2011-08-30 16:39

I don’t know if you ever read the Sowetan website. But you really should. I’m not trying to steer readers away from hard-hitting and accurate news, oh News24 paymasters, but nobody does South African comedy (without even trying) better than the Sowetan at the moment.

I always thought it was a stuffy read, dealing with dreary matters of politics and cops humping prison wardens. Turns out, it’s nothing of the sort. My young colleague has put me on the right and enlightened path, and I fear I shall never look back.

Take this worrying story – for your dairy products and good fashion sense, that is – that ran last week. Another youth, with a lot to say and not much between his ears to regulate the flow of babble, is gunning for white and black professionals who are not doing enough to, well, no one is quite sure. But this chap is angry with you and has the one-solution-that-fits-all-problems in Africa: ranting incoherently.     

During a speech at the third summit of the Black Management Forum (BMF) young professional's chapter last Friday, National Youth Development Agency (NYDA) chairperson Andile Lungisa, clearly upset about the excessive use of L’oreal Ultra Sheen shampoo in the country, raged against those with a fondness for sartorial elegance and, rather curiously, members of the public who dared to style their hair in provocative manners.

In his uprising, planned for the month of September, so just one day to panic buy the baked beans, “those who have hairstyles, those who are wearing ties but not helping their community will be affected," said Lungisa. I know, I know. What the fuck, I hear you say…

Evidently (I say so, because who knows what these guys really want) upset about the lack of jobs for ‘the youth’ in the county, sharp-minded Lungisa wants to do the one thing that will guarantee work creation: make the country “ungovernable”. So in September, be sure to take your work home with you and sign the kids out of school for a month because the NYDA plans to “close every street in South Africa”.

That is impressive. Not even FIFA could close all the streets they wanted during the World Cup last year, so I’m looking forward to this feat of cunning and planning from a superior intellect.

Furthermore (and this is where it gets really disturbing, so if you’re a sensitive reader who loves nothing more than toast and cheese for breakfast, turn away now) Lungisa assures us (the whites, the blacks with hairstyles – I presume bald black brothers will be spared, so you should be fine, Luv – and those with ties on) that “if there is a cheese in your fridge they are going to take it”. That’s right, people. Your cheese is under siege. From the dreaded ‘They’ no less.

Lock up your cheddar, eat your emmentaler, bury the blue cheese and for the love of God, man, pack away the camembert, because the NYDA is coming for your ALL your milk-based food products. In fact, better lock away the Nesquik, too. Just in case.

 
Postscript: according to the Sowetan report, The NYDA received R370 million from government in 2010 to create jobs, and in February this year was allocated R1.22 billion for the next three years - about R400 million a year – to get the youth off the street and into some rakish suits and jaunty ties. Breitlings are an optional extra. So they don’t really need to steal your cheese. They can afford their own.

PPS: Sanity does prevail, however. The BMF told Lungisa to keep his stinking hands off their goddam cheese (or something to that effect) saying the “BMF young professionals would rather find solutions”, highlighting that they had ‘adopted’ some township schools and were raising funds for these to be equipped with new technology.

PPPS: Oh, and the NYDA blamed the country’s ills on the ‘Stellenbosch Mafia’. You can’t make this stuff up. Honestly.


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