Football folly
2009-10-27 10:36
With eight months to go, the 2010 World Cup is shaping up to one of the most intriguing ever. The host side is in complete disarray, saving their best football for the likes of Malawi while capitulating meekly against the cool efficiency of the mighty Iceland.
At the moment they're running the risk of being the worst host side to compete in a home World Cup, with qualification into the second round looking distinctly unlikely - unless Carlos Alberto Parreira can pull a rabbit, a miracle and a goal-scorer out of the hat. Presently, their top goal scorer can't buy a game for a rubbish team in England, while local goal poachers are as rare as sincere handshakes in parliamentary corridors. And we don't have enough rabbits. Or miracles for that matter.
Elsewhere, the Spanish, in the form of Real Madrid's Xavi Alonso, have already complained about the soothing sounds of the vuvuzela, deriding the throbbing plastic horn's sweet music as an "annoyance". Cheeky blighter.
Brazil, even with Adriano eating everyone's team meals, qualified rather too easily and could come into the tournament undercooked. North and South Korea, both qualifiers for 2010, have promised to leave their distrust for each other at home, but couldn't comment on how many nukes would be set off should one beat the other on South African soil. Switzerland remained neutral on the matter.
England qualified with only one loss in their group stage, and are rightly being branded instant World Cup favourites by their local media. That's if Wayne Rooney makes it to South Africa. Thankfully, my mom's husband's Millwall supporting cousin, who offered to bring his whole family over to sleep in my lounge for three weeks next year, can't make it. So that's a positive.
Argentina slipped into the tournament right at the death with a late, late, most-fans-were-already-in-bed winner while their coach, the ever combustible Maradona, should he make it to tournament without his head exploding, could provide some of the more compelling press conferences at the event.
He's perfected the art of the inflammatory post-match chat in the last few months, calling Argentine reporters "sons of whores" and graciously inviting a few lucky members of the local Fourth Estate to "suck his dick". There's no truth in the rumour that Joel Santana was muttering similar words in Portuguese during his tenure as South Africa's head coach.
However, the most stunning piece of pre-World Cup news must come out of Germany. Shedding the hard man image of the Teutonic race that Goebbels and the like tried so hard to engender in the bad old days, the German Football Federation, to ensure a crime-free World Cup for their squad of hopefuls, have secured the services of the security firm BaySecur. Their first recommendation is that the players should only be allowed to visit the vicious streets of South Africa clad in bulletproof vests.
"The possibility for the players of moving outside of the hotel boundaries should be kept to a minimum," said BaySecur's Guenter Schnelle with such seriousness that even Nigeria’s local South African population were affronted. "Otherwise," Schnelle continued keeping an eye open for Zebra and pygmie head-hunters roaming the roads below his Sandton-based scouting hotel, "there must be a full escort: armed security guards and bulletproof vests for the players."
If it gets any more ridiculous the next thing you know we'll have the South African soccer-loving public asking for competent officials and requesting the team start their matches 2-0 up.
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