David Moseley

I'm caught in a trap

2012-10-16 10:38

David Moseley

To paraphrase from the Talking Heads' Psycho Killer, "do something once, why do it again?" (Original lyric, "say something once, why say it again"). From Elvis' Suspicious Minds I borrow "I'm (correct lyric: "we're") caught in a trap". And from Coldplay's The Scientist I nod my head in agreement at "Nobody said it was easy". Finally, from Arrested Development's GOB Bluth, "I've made a huge mistake".

It's too late for me, but there's hope for the world's young gentleman lovers. Let me explain. Around 11 months ago I got up earlier than usual for work (being in media, I normally get up at three pm, gloss over a headline and then base finger-wagging opinions on what I haven't read and don't know. I go back to bed around seven).

Infused with enthusiasm and the can-do spirit of the early riser, I made Robyn a cup of coffee before she'd even had a chance to kick off the duvet. This made Robyn happy in a way that can't be fully told on a family website (and her mother reads these things).

Next morning my routine was back to normal (none of this pre-7am waking up nonsense for me), but I decided that the harder-working Robyn should get her cup of coffee in bed again. That's just the kind of guy I am. Plus, I sensed that the fate of the nation (that is, continued domestic bliss) depended on it. This made Robyn happy once more.

After a full week of this, I foolishly upped the ante. With her coffee, a biscuit! Now experienced male readers will notice two fatal errors here; starting something you'll never be allowed to finish, plus adding the extra flourish and setting the bar of expectation way too high before the wedding's even taken place.

In for life

There are certain naughty gods and kings from mythology who, instead of being put to death or forced to watch South African Idols on a constant loop, were punished for their insolence with a lifetime of tasks that either placed them in great danger or that they could never complete.

The 12 Labours of Hercules spring immediately to mind, as does the plight of poor old Sisyphus who, to this day, in some alternate Greek reality, still rolls his boulder up the hill only to watch it slide back down again. Coffee-making is my Sisyphean boulder. It's the task that will never end.

I tried once, you know, to stay in bed while Robyn showered and feign ignorance at all previous early morning coffee makings. Emerging from the steam, she sniffed, "Oh, so now that there's a ring, there's no coffee. What next? Tracksuit pants on evenings out?"

"No darling, of course not. I was just on the way to the kitchen. What biscuit would you like? I have Romany Creams, Jolly Jammers... and oh help me god, what have done..."

In that moment I received a telepathic wink from Sisyphus himself, welcome to the club it said. See you at the top of the hill. And again at the bottom. Please bring a biscuit.

- Follow @david_moseley on Twitter.

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